Many in the work/life movement talk about how, in the end, it is the totality of your life’s accomplishments that matter.  And while work is certainly part of that it is often not the most important part.

I agree.  And I have seen it personified this week as my family is mourning a great loss for us and this community.  In fact in this nice article about my little one’s Grandpa Todd there are only 22 words out of 604 dedicated to his job…many more speak to his life.  And it is his because of how he lived his life that we have gathered and why the phone and doorbell have not stopped ringing.

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Lappin helped ‘Make-A-Wish’ dreams come true

He was also a leader in Milwaukee’s Jewish community

By Meg Jones of the Journal Sentinel

Posted: May 23, 2010

After Todd Lappin was diagnosed with cancer he would tell people that the kidney doctors removed was never his favorite kidney.

It was with humor and compassion that Lappin dealt with kidney cancer, attributes he used to make a difference in other lives through philanthropy and by participating in clinical trials to help scientists searching for a cure.

Lappin died Friday of a heart attack at his Mequon home. He was 70.

After Lappin was diagnosed with pulmonary lymphoma and kidney cancer in 1991 he received contributions from many friends and searched for the best way to use the donations. He chose the Make-A-Wish Foundation and became chairman of the board of the local organization.

“It just sounded like a perfect fit,” said his wife, Muriel Lappin.

Through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Lappin met a 6-year-old boy with a brain tumor and granted his dream to visit Disney World. Muriel Lappin said the boy was so ill doctors worried he might not survive the trip, but the boy lived for six more months and bonded with Lappin.

“He had an incredible ability to touch people in a way that was very important to them,” said his son Michael Lappin.

A Duke University graduate, he ran Lappin Electric Co., a wholesale electrical supply firm started by his grandfather in 1919, until it was sold in 1997. Lappin, whose sister Sue is married to Bud Selig, was a leader in Milwaukee’s Jewish community and was president of the Milwaukee Jewish Federation and the Jewish Community Center of Greater Milwaukee.

He served on the boards of the Milwaukee Boys and Girls Club and Gilda’s Club and was chairman of the capital campaign committee of Milwaukee College Preparatory School. Lappin was president of Brynwood Country Club and was active in the American Cancer Society and the University of Wisconsin Paul P. Carbone Cancer Clinic.

Through the cancer clinic, he volunteered to participate in medical trials including one study where he was Patient No. 0001, which turned out to be an international study that resulted in FDA approval of a drug.

“It was not easy to be on that particular drug, but he was a fighter and really tried not to complain,” Muriel Lappin said.

After his cancer diagnosis in 1991, doctors removed one of his kidneys and then prepared to start chemotherapy for the pulmonary lymphoma. After further testing, a radiologist told Lappin’s doctor that the chemotherapy must have worked because he couldn’t find the lymphoma.

“And the doctor said, ‘What do you mean? He hasn’t started it yet.’ Sure enough, the lymphoma was gone,” Michael Lappin said.

The kidney cancer was in remission for about a dozen years when it metastasized. Still, Lappin stayed positive and threw himself into his charitable work.

“He never took himself too seriously even though he was dealing with a serious illness and was actually writing a journal about it, which now will have an abbreviated ending,” his wife said. “Whether he published it or not, it was with the hope it would lend some levity to someone else going through the same thing.”

Bill Appel, a close friend who went on several fund-raising trips to Israel with Lappin, said his quick wit and timing made him a popular choice to emcee events in the community.

“Part of it had to do with his involvement in the community and knowing so many people, and part of it had to do with his comedic timing,” Appel said.

Survivors include his wife, Muriel; four children, Michael, Laura, Kathy Konik and Gary; two stepchildren, Bradley Sax and Larry Chase Sax; and one sister and one brother.

I’m writing this on a day when I couldn’t be more thrilled that I choose to outsource some responsibilities.  It’s been a rough few nights with limited sleep and the cavalry arrived today at 8am.  And I was blissfully asleep and was able to stay that way for a little longer this morning.

Outsourcing is the only way I manage.  Because I simply cannot do it all and I do not want to.  That’s my secret to survival and sanity and I highly recommend it.  I’m not into the martyr thing.  I’d rather ask for help.

Many friends, colleagues, contemporaries look at me and exclaim “I don’t know how you do it.”  They’re talking about my husband’s constant and unpredictable travel schedule leaving me to tend to the home, the child and my work alone during the  week.  But the key is, he hasn’t left me to go it alone. As he and I both know how that would go and it wouldn’t be pretty.

So after two nights being up with croup and getting little, fitful sleep, I am happy to say the nanny is here early today.  I have no problem with the fact that I have a nanny.  She is not mommy.  The last two days certainly proved that.  She was there during the daytime, too, but the only one that mattered to my sick little one was me.  No guilt, no questioning if it’s the right thing, just an understanding that this is the childcare situation that works for us.

The other outsourcing I choose is housework.  Why?  Because it’s not my job alone.  And my partner in crime has his own bathroom to clean but just can’t manage to clean it and honestly just doesn’t want to.   Sorry June Cleaver, it’s not my job to pick up after him in his own space.

Why am I mentioning all this, because there is frequent debate about how women are the ones who work and still do the housework and the child rearing.  And I agree that is true to a point.  Unless of course you say, “sorry not my job” or “not my job alone.”  Because you do not have to go it alone.  Men are perfectly capable of cleaning, parenting & cooking.  They just don’t do it intuitively…it’s not something they think to do…unless you ask.

You see that discussion happened in stages in my family.  First came the house cleaner.  Once we went to a larger condo and more bathrooms, bedrooms, etc.  I declared cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting was not my job alone.  I already had a full-time job and I did not need more on my plate.  He grumbled that we didn’t need a house cleaner.  He said he’d help.  Every other week it would be his turn to clean.  And I said, “Great!” But it didn’t happen, he acknowledged he just wasn’t willing to do it, we hired a cleaner.

So it didn’t come as much of a surprise when I was pregnant that we would find a nanny.  Again we both worked and neither of us considered child rearing to be the sole responsibility of mom (except for some tasks like nursing which is exclusive to mom).  He has never questioned whether my income is enough to pay for the help.  Because it is a household expense.  We have a total combined income and out of that income there are bills to pay.  Whose income pays for what is moot.  So I also don’t buy in to the “I only work to pay childcare” debate.  It’s a household expense, you have a household income to pay those expenses, the end.

And I just don’t understand when I read the articles about how women “have” to do it all.  No we don’t.  Speak up.  Outsource.  Ask for help.  It just might be the best thing you can do for yourself, your marriage and your family.  And who knows if enough men end up doing more maybe like my husband they will simply admit that they don’t want to and then outsourcing household chores will make it into the benefits column at work.  A girl can dream.

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And as one who has never been taught how to manage, communicate with and forge relationships with household workers I am intrigued by this survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/MediationMama and a new service to help improve the relationship between household employers & workers.  Because goodness knows it is a different dynamic than the office world – some of these people spend more time in your house than you do and it becomes a more personal relationship that many have a hard time managing.

A year and a half ago as I started this blog I considered the terms flexibility and balance in the work/life debate.

Now, I realize it’s more complicated than just being about those two words.  There is lots of confusion and debate about what is in your employer’s control and what is personal responsibility.  So here are my new thoughts on these two terms:

Workplace flexibility.  It’s important to workers.  Whether it be to sign kids up for school, to be sure houses are drying out properly post-flooding, to skip a harried commute, to continue working despite the weather gods, or because workers have more faith in themselves than in the employer contract…flexibility at work is yearned for more and more.

And obviously this plea is being heard.  You can’t ignore that something is afoot when the White House gets in on the conversation, when hourly workers are envied for their more flexible schedules and generous benefits or when there is general malaise about time spent at work and work interfering with other interests.

More work and less play makes for bad business. So workplace flexibility is an issue today and I do believe that is the right term.  And I hope to continue to see just a general overall flexible attitude to work.  Where getting the work done is more important than when, where & how it is done.  I mean c’mon, if hourly workers can have flexibility – what’s stopping the rest of the workforce?  One thing my be the misconception that everyone wants a flexible work arrangement – which is not a one-size-fits-all-solution easily implemented at companies.  It is a more individual discussion and decision and where an individual’s personal needs and responsibilities come in.

Work/life balance.  And here is where I think some people get mixed up on what is within the workplace’s control and what is not.  You see, if you are feeling a personal imbalance because your spouse travels and someone needs to be home, but your job requires that you travel…that is not for the workplace to solve.  That is for you and your spouse to solve.  You have agreed to do this job, the job requires travel, your spouse’s job requires travel…you need to work that out.  If work asks you to come back in when you are on your way home, and you agree to do so…you should not then complain about your lack of work/life balance.  You need to instead set boundaries and expectations.  If work gives you a smartphone and you are responding to emails 24/7 of your own volition or boredom…again not your workplace’s problem.  You need to decide what works for you and manage it.  It is not the responsibility of your workplace or HR to do that for you. (Somewhere I know Kris Dunn is smiling right now.)

My thinking has grown and expanded thanks to this wonderful community, thanks to some amazing people I’ve met, thanks to just listening and asking questions at networking events and of course due to my own journey through this maze of flexibility and balance and wanting it all.

What do you think? Is your work/life stress due to your employer & rules enforced by HR or because you want it all, all at once?

I’m not sure this one’s going to be very popular.  Because I spent yesterday hearing all about the wage-gap between men and women and hearing how over a career that lost income equals millions of dollars.

And I really think we’re barking up the wrong tree.  Is there discrimination in the workplace?  Yes – of all kinds.  Should that stop?  Yes, absolutely.  But as usual we’re focusing on the wrong thing.  Absolute dollars.  What about the quality of your overall life?  How about liking the work you do and being satisfied with the salary you get?

I’ve been hearing about the wage gap my entire professional life.  And yes, I do think it exists.  But you know what.  It’s just not that relevant to my life.  Blasphemy, right?  But if I keep worrying about what everyone else is doing/getting I could never be satisfied myself.  Which is what Naomi Wolf believes is behind all the studies saying how “unhappy” women are now compared to the 1970′s.  We have been taught to keep going, keep striving, never be satisfied.  So, unless we are equal, have equal, feel equal we are lesser than.  I disagree.  We are only lesser than if we feel we are and I do not feel I am.

Each step along my career journey I was happy with the pay I got for the job I performed.  When I was unhappy, I said something or did something about it.  And if I didn’t…shame on me.

At a networking event last night I met a recent college graduate and he talked about how he didn’t feel he was in the right job.  He was debating whether to move on or to stay and he acknowledged that he felt lucky as many of his friends hadn’t found jobs yet – nearly a year after graduation.  But he just didn’t “love” his job.  He liked aspects of it and admitted he didn’t hate any part of it.  But he felt he should love what he does for work.

All of this reminded me of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  Where eventually you start striving to achieve self actualization.

But recently I was floored when I learned that Maslow believed only 2% of the population would actually achieve this goal.  I’m pretty sure I wasn’t taught that part in college and I’m guessing the newly minted worker bee I spoke with last night wasn’t either.

Careers and work/life are a long road and if you feel the need to always “love” the job your are in or you always need to be exactly equal to those around you…you are going to spend much of your work/life unsatisfied – craving more balance.    My advice:  make your own deal based on your own reality and be happy with that…until you’re not…then do something about it for you and your own happiness.

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Other interesting work/life tidbits I heard/discussed last night:

1) Person had to take a 1/2 day off during the recent flooding in MA when he worked from home.  This person was monitoring water being pumped from his basement but only by checking in on the pumps for a minute or two every 1/2 hour.  When not checking on the pumps he was working…as he had from home many times before.  He got his work done that day and it was done well – he’s a bit resentful about having to take a 1/2 day…and I don’t blame him.

2) Company that is contracting from lots of brick & mortar offices to become a more virtual workplace just hired a new hire.  The new hire asked to work from home.  They were told “no” for the first 6-12 months.  They needed to come into the office and be “watched” until the company knew they could trust them to work well.

3) CEO of a company wants the company’s working hours to be 7a-5p – end of story.  If you can’t do that, you don’t work here.   FYI – not a retail, manufacturing or any other kind of company.   It hires knowledge workers.

4) Another company says it has a very flexible nature but employees are peer pressured into sitting in their chairs from 8a-5p – come in late or leave early, be tarred & feathered.

5) Spoke with someone who heads a staffing agency.  His workers work on 100% commission and when he started his business he was convinced he would get both male & female staffing people who wanted to work for him.  Turns out, years later, it’s all about the mommies.  Our discussion led to whether that was because his business was so flexible for his employees or whether men preferred the draw against commission model.  Nothing was decided except that I want to explore this more.

6) I explained the difference between workplace flexibility (the examples directly above this) and personally striving for work/life fit, balance, happiness (the bulk of today’s article) to someone I met.  Too often I think people confuse the two.  You are responsible for your own work/life happiness….businesses need to be a flexible enough workplaces to allow employees to meet their professional and personal commitments. Two different, yet inter-related, issues.

It’s that time for me again.  It’s much easier for me to stay inside with the air conditioner on so I can breathe.  But that’s just not practical…nor is it the right thing to do for those around me I care about.  For my little one, the weather has just turned warm and she wants to be outside running around, riding her bike, swinging on swings.  For me, exercise is a large part of helping me monitor and manage and see clearly my work/life fit.  And while my stairmaster and I are good friends…I’d rather be biking, running, walking outside.  So I could hibernate or I could suck it up and do the right thing…which is to venture out sneezing, watering eyes and all.

Recently at an HR conference a corporate HR friend told me that corporate America is “allergic to work/life balance.”  And that rings true to me.  They would rather hibernate and wait for the issue to go away.  Personally I don’t think this issue is going away any more than the seasonal allergies I have experienced since childhood are going away.

Thankfully not all corporations feel this way.  They are in the minority but they do exist and they do the right thing for those around them. Tomorrow I’ll be listening and learning and asking questions and hoping this conversation helps workplaces learn more about how important, effective and easy it is for them to stop being “allergic” to work/life issues.  Join us!

Fem 2.0 Blog Radio- Work/life Solutions for Hourly Workers

Recently, President Obama said that all workers need the flexibility to manage the demands of a job and home and kids. But often, work-life balance is seen as a luxury only for wealthy professionals. As of 2008 some 58% of all wage and salary workers in America were paid at hourly rates. But half of all workers don’t have a single paid sick day. It doesn’t have to be this way- and some companies are doing it right.

Join us on Tuesday, April 20 at 2PM EDT to discuss worklife solutions for hourly workers. Guests Carol Evans, CEO of Working Mother Media and Donna Klein, President & Founder of Corporate Voices for Working Families will discuss the upcoming “Best Companies for Hourly Workers” survey and will share why it’s so crucial for every American worker to have flexibility, no matter what their job is. They will also share best practices from companies that are figuring out how to accommodate hourly employees and flex.

Please join us and send in your questions ahead of time to events@workingmother.com

Tune into the radio show here!

I’ve been wondering lately why colleges send us out into the work world with the mindset that we need to be constantly moving, climbing, making more money, getting better titles or we are failing.  Why didn’t anyone stop to tell us that that kind of constant movement simply is not sustainable for everyone?  Both personally and due to forces beyond our control such as recessions and off-shoring and technological advancements there are interruptions in that well taught plan.

Shouldn’t someone be teaching us that ebbs and flows are normal and will be part of our lives?  And we need to learn how to not only go with the flow but embrace the changes and enjoy them.

The good news is that a college professor is talking about it.  Robert Reich’s post “The Future of American Jobs” got me thinking.  Particularly this line:

The only way many of today’s jobless are likely to retain their jobs or get new ones is by settling for much lower wages and benefits.

Which reminded me that it is a fact that most workers will be underemployed at some point in their careers.  And some may even want to step off the treadmill for a bit.  Because let’s face it..it’s not so much fun to settle.  And there are those who do not have a debt problem, thanks to living below their means and saving.  Or those who have worked because they like to work, not because they need the salary.

Shouldn’t society be supporting them to choose whether to settle or to not settle but simply take a break. Or as the media has labeled it “opt out.”  Unfortunately in the world I was educated in and now live, this choice is seen as failure and settling…when in fact I think it may be not only the right thing for some people, personally but also for the economy as a whole.  So as Cali Yost said wonderfully in her post yesterday let’s lose those labels and judgments and embrace the time for the slow (er) lane.  And let’s start teaching our students that this career thing has its ups, downs, starts, stops and that’s normal.  Embrace them and choose your own path..whether that be up, down, sideways or full stop.  Thus making this game of musical chairs in the workplace kinder and gentler.

Now that the euphoria has worn off a bit from last week’s historic summit at the White House on workplace flexibility, it’s time to get back to work. I was very excited about lots of what I heard. But one of the subjects I am passionate about and think is the key to making work work for all…having hourly workers have more autonomy over their time.

And that was talked about in one of the break out sessions…a lot. And the discussion was enlightening. Some in the room admitted that they never would have been able to figure out how to be more flexible for this group of employees by management dictating policies. The good news. The employees understood what was needed both for themselves and for the company to succeed and they figured it out!

Wow. How’s that for trusting your employees, asking for their help and working together to solve a problem? Adults at work…very nice. And adults who are now engaged in a process that leads to better retention, customer service and bottom line results.

What were some of their secrets?

A contingent/temporary workforce standing by to specifically step in for coverage as needed. What a great way to keep those who sort of want to retire or step off the treadmill…but sort of want to work…working. Much like substitute teachers. They get called as needed. They come in if they can.

Ability for shift workers to trade hours as needed with others. Whether this is through a formal software program or a more informal “I’ll cover for you another day if you can help me out today” sort of thing it’s working.

Listening to workers, trusting that they are inherently good and want to help the company succeed, and understanding that life cannot stop just because a shift has begun.

It seems easy enough. But there are many naysayers. And plenty who think this is more of a perk for professionals than an imperative for all workers. Which is why I’m thrilled to be working with Working Mother Media to help get the word out about their upcoming Forum on Hourly Workers where they will announce the list of Top Companies for Hourly Workers and highlight some of the best practices from that group. I don’t know if what I heard during the White House forum will dovetail with these best practices but I can’t wait to learn more.

Especially as many believe it’s too tall an order for shift/hourly workers to be able to get flexibility at work. There are 75 million hourly workers in America and as a popular HR blogger told me recently it simply comes down to either your company values its hourly workforce or it doesn’t. Those that don’t will pay…in turnover and customer satisfaction and ultimately success.

Can the hourly workforce get flexibility? And who are some of the companies we may see on this list come May 4th? I truly do not know the answers, yet. I very much look forward to finding them out.

Finally in honor of Gary Vaynerchuk’s recent announcement that he is re-evaluating his work/work balance, I have two signed copies of “Crush It” to give away to those who comment on this blog post, tweet it out @leanneclc or join the discussion at the CareerLifeConnection.com facebook page.

Great news.  The White House will be hosting a forum on workplace flexibility on March 31.   This is great…right?

You see the problem is that the focus will be on how workplace flexibility can help families manage their work/life better.  Those with school age children, those with ailing parents.  And I agree, workplace flexibility is great for those populations.  But it’s also great for so many others.  People who want to pursue their passions.  Those who want to work, just not 50+ hours a week.  Those who are nearing retirement age and still want to keep working just not at the same pace.   Those who do not define themselves by their work/careers but strive to be whole people living fulfilled lives.

And I get it.  Especially after the week I’ve had.  After traveling for a week I came home with a cold only to be totally trumped by my daughter who contracted pneumonia.  It’s been a bit of a lost week of productivity for me.  So I get the pressures on family and work.  But I also felt those in my 20′s as I was pursuing my graduate degree (no children at the time).  And I felt them as I wanted to take time off to travel with my husband (no children at the time).  And I feel them for my mom who would like to work, but splitting her time between home in the Northeast and the lovely sunshine of Florida makes that pretty difficult.

So please let’s not do what so many other countries have.  Discriminate against those without children and ailing parents.  I would hate to see legislation that gives parents of young children the “right” to ask for more flexibility at work.  Everyone should be able to ask, present a business case, and at least be heard.  It should not matter whether you are a parent or not.

If we make more flexibility at work only about families it will be doomed to fail.    So here’s hoping next week there is great discussion on the issue.   And that the discussion includes many voices, not just those with children.

This isn’t how I planned it.  Which as anyone who has had children will know…is how it often ends up.  Once you have another living, breathing, thinking human being to consider the best laid plans often get waylaid.  And so it is for me.

I’ve been on the road a lot lately.  First dipping my toe in the crazy (at least for me) world of SXSW and then running to the much more tame and familiar ERE Expo.  Great conversations, interesting business partnership talks, cutting edge tools, techniques, strategies, wonderful friends and staying up way too late.  And in the background helping to juggle the responsibilities of a two-working-parent household.

Wow was that fun and boy was I glad that was over.  But there was more coming…or so I thought.

As I write this I thought I would be heading to an airplane to fly to Washington DC for my 2nd to last conference of the year.  The one I was really excited about.  The first Work/Life conference for me.  But it is not to be…

My husband carried the water for the house all last week and did a masterful job at remaining home when he is normally expected to be in a different city.  The whole time I was away he was the parent on call.  He was home for dinners, bedtime, cuddles, comfort.  His career is hectic and harried with lots of work and expectations.  And it pays the bills.   So this was wonderful.  I was away without a care in the world.

I knew this week would be different.  He needed to head back out on the road.  I had agreed to be on the road to attend, write about and talk about the Work/Life conference.   I put together a village to take care of home while I was away.  I would need to check in a lot, but I was ready to go for it.  Until 102 that is.

No matter how independent they start to be, or how much they want to do things themselves.  Put a sick little one near a mommy or daddy and forget it.  Nothing else will do.  And honestly at this stage in life….that’s the way it should be.  Mom and Dad are the entire world/universe/reality for that little one.  So I made a decision…it was one I had already made, I just planned to put it off for a bit.

With a fever of 102 3 days running, my little one who was more a pile of pudding in my lap, than the usual independent, testing limits preschooler we expect. So I came off the road.  I knew this day would come.  I had planned it for  later this spring.  I just thought I had one or two more conferences in me.

So my apologies to the Conference Board and all those involved in the Work/Life conference.  And my apologies to Tru USA and all those who are working to make that a really fun event.  I will not be there.

Managing work/Life is about choices.  And the right choice for my family is for me to be the home body as needed.  And I cannot control when that is needed so it is time to practice what I preach.

I blog, I promote flexible companies, I still see the need for much more flexibility in the workplace.  I will not stop working on, talking about, promoting these issues.  I will just do it close to home and not in faraway cities at conferences.  At least for now.

This weekend and next week I am very excited to be talking to so many of the audiences I serve at Career Life Connection.  Since work/life is so multi-layered I wear many hats.  I help people with their own personal responsibility on work/life struggles.  I talk to those working in the corporate world or those that want to return to it to help them engage management on how they can work more flexibly and help it increase its bottom line.  I talk to corporate recruiters and HR people who are key to understanding that work/life is tied to productivity, talent attraction and employee retention and is thus a pain point for corporate executives.

What I haven’t been able to do is get them to talk with each other. To understand how much common ground they all have and how flexibility at work can help them all achieve their various goals.  Enough with the echo chambers and back slapping both audiences get from their peers.  It’s time to start understanding the other side…seek common ground…and find success.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

And if you’re at SXSW or ERE Expo in the next week and want to discuss, debate, give me a piece of your mind.  I’m game.  Comment on this post, @leanneclc or  email chase at careerlifeconnection dot com.