I’m often told by new community members how much they like this site and the concept of more flexibility at work and more balance in their life…but how can they accomplish it?   My first advice is you must truly want it.  After all if you really want something, you go after it, hard.  You don’t wait for someone to offer it to you.

Then yesterday I was hanging out with a luncheon group I frequent called The Community Roundtable Live.  At that lunch we discuss building, growing, fostering communities and we also talk about daily life.  Yesterday’s discussion veered to leaving your community to manage itself or not while you go on vacation thanks to Rachel Happe’s great blog post.

I like it.  #1 Nutella is European.  They take their vacations…they see them as part of life and something to embrace not something to put off or avoid.  #2 It’s Nutella – seriously for 2 weeks how much could not having up to the minute information about a chocolate hazelnut spread harm anyone?  #3 They are setting expectations.  And setting expectations is one of my how to’s to achieving your own personal balance.

After talking about Nutella for a bit some of us shared our favorite “out of office-isms.”  I learned about one CMO whose out of office email says basically – “Hey, I’m out until blah, when I get back I’m deleting all the stuff in my inbox…if you want me to read your email send it to me when I’m back in the office.”   I love this one so much I’ll be using it as my out of office next week!

Another one was someone in their 40′s on their honeymoon.  Their voicemail message said essentially “I waited until I was 40 to get married.  I’m on my honeymoon.  If you really need to reach me, you can track down my in-laws and you can explain to them why what you have to say to me is important enough to interrupt their only daughter’s honeymoon.  Then if they agree they can give you my contact number.”  Hah!  How’s that for setting expectations and stating the obvious…a honeymoon is important….most business matters can wait a few days or weeks even.

Last year I got some notice for putting this as my out of office:

“I will be on vacation the week of 8/10.  I will be checking email just not at my usual responsive pace. If I am missing a deadline of some sort…do please call and remind me at 617-510-xxxx.  Otherwise…I’ll get back to you when my vacation needs a “work break.”  — A much more American sort of out of office message and an honest one for me as I own my own business and occasionally do need to take a “work break” on vacation.  Still I set the expectation that I’ll get back to work, when and if I choose.

Clearly all of those listed above (including me) value their time away from the office.  They wanted to have a vacation on their terms.  And they made it happen.  It’s possible.  That is your “how to” for this week.

We all make deals in life.  Whether it be less pay for more flexibility, whether it be postponing a “have to” do for a “want to” do, whether it be going to one family event so you can skip the next one.  It’s life.  And as life changes and grows and morphs the deals we have made may require some renegotiating.  Because let’s face it what worked 10 years ago is likely not to work today and may not work tomorrow.

So I get a little confused when people get upset at me for calling the condo my husband and I are buying our new deal.  It may not be romantic, but it is realistic.  In marriage deals are struck all the time – having kids vs. not having kids, living closer to his work or hers or splitting the difference, whose family gets Thanksgiving, whose gets Christmas.  A marriage is a series of negotiations and agreements.  That is reality.  Ours is no different.

Over the past year my husband and I have been re-negotiating.  We had a great deal.  We both worked, we both had great careers, we had a good income, we lived frugally, we traveled apart and then would come back together and enjoy each other.  It worked.  We didn’t see our home or each other a lot but we felt fulfilled.

And then we added something…a wonderful, bright, curious little one.  And everything changed.

I traveled less, I was home every night, I cooked dinners more regularly, I scheduled the household, I lost some of me.  While changes were more subtle for my husband, they were still there.  He couldn’t work out whenever he wanted.  If he had traveled during the week, his weekends were mostly family-time.  He lost touch with friends.  Needless to say we were both grumpy.  And neither felt any sort of balance.  We were always lamenting that which we weren’t doing instead of enjoying that which we were.

As I was lamenting my husband being a road warrior I stumbled upon our “dream home.”  I was not looking for it, but it is the perfect place for us for the next 10-15 years of our lives. And it was time to face up to my reality…my husband is a road warrior.  He has tried to change but the one time he did, it went disastrously, so he is hesitant to try again.  He also has a great job that he loves and thrives at.  I would love to have the career I used to, but to do so would mean asking a lot of him.  And while I’m not the ooey gooey mommy type it is important to me that our little one is raised by parents and that we are the ones that tuck her in most nights and soothe the aches, pains and bruises of life.

So after a year of soul searching, talking to each other, to counselors, to friends….we have struck a new deal.  And not everyone will get everything they want…right now.  But it’s a good deal.  I get the home that makes being a home body more appealing but forces us to live less frugally, he gets to stay on the road with an eye toward coming home earlier and more often and my little one will have mommy or daddy walk her to and from school, and she’s very excited to pick the colors for her new room & play area.  It’s a good deal and I’m taking it…until we become unbalanced again…and need to renegotiate.

What sort of deals do you make in your life to feel more balanced?

Since the movie The Bucket List – I’ve heard more and more people exclaim that something is on their bucket list.  Well I’m not waiting for retirement.  I’m making my list now and I’m checking it twice and early and often as the opportunity arises.

My thoughts on work are not to work really, really hard, almost exclusively, then get older, slow down and take time off.  I tend to think work is an ebb and flow.  Sometimes it’s busy…sometimes it’s not and sometimes maybe you’re even on the pavement.  I like to take advantage of the slow times and appreciate them, yes, appreciate them.  Hey the first time I got laid off – at the young old age of 31 – I did cartwheels down the TV station’s hallway.  After all our last day was to be the Friday before Memorial Day and suddenly I found myself with a summer free from the office and finally some closure on a process that had been festering for far too long in that workplace.  It was a positive experience and I’m sure you’ll think I’m odd but that’s now how I view work stoppages…as opportunities, although I’m apparently not alone.  Without work there is time…time to read more, to check out that restaurant at lunch that costs a fortune for dinner, to take my bike on the MBTA and ride to far flung beaches.   I could rehash my economic philosophy that allows for my carefree ways during work stoppages, but you can simply read it yourself.

So this summer as my economic policy takes over my work portion of life needs to have a temporary slow down.  You see come September I will not need full-time childcare.  My little one will be in school almost all day and my frugal ways will preclude me from paying someone full-time when I only need them a very limited amount…if at all.  So I embarked on a journey to find my nanny a part-time gig – so I could also keep her part-time.  And it worked better than I had hoped.  She’s happily starting with another family 3-days a week next week.  Which suddenly leaves me without childcare 23 hours a week that I had counted on previously.

It shouldn’t affect work too much…as I am able to work where, when & how I want.  But I will need to shift my thinking.  Some days now, I will work more post bed-time and less during the day.  And the luxury of running errands alone without a little one in tow will now to be a fond memory of my past.

Since this is wonderful, unexpected found time it’s time to make a list.  A list of what I want to experience with my little one over the last 6 weeks of summer.  The last summer we have between when babyhood officially ends and being a full-fledged school-age kid begins.  And a list of what she wants to experience with mommy.  And to check items off one by one…or to maybe just relish in the fact that we don’t have to do anything or go anywhere some days.  Just enjoy each other and our surroundings.

Two nights ago my little one and I were reading bedtime stories and she said “Anyhow, Mommmy, what the Hell is that?”  And I did just what most Moms I know do.  I said “Oh, honey we don’t use that word…it’s not a nice word.”  Now clearly we do use that word or she would not have.  After all kids are great at imitating what they see at home.  She then asked, “Why is it a bad word?”  And honestly I could not come up with an answer to that.

I’ve never been one for organized religion and I never really bought in to the whole Heaven and Hell concept.  I’m more of a John Lennon “Imagine” kind of thinker:  “…no Hell below us, above us only sky.”  And if you were on social media last week you would have seen this venn diagram and this chart to provide some fun entertainment.

I believe more in Karma…you reap what you sow.  If you are not nice to people and treat them poorly – sooner or later you will do so to the wrong person or to too many people and bam…Karma will get you.  That I think is a better lesson to teach than that Hell is a bad word…and a lesson that perhaps should have been taught to more C-levels and managers in the workplace.

You see in good times & bad companies have increased CEO pay, increased profits, while decreasing raises and benefits…but there was one thing they did increase…everyone’s workload.  They are thrilled the recession has come along as it makes good sense to act this way, now.  But as some reports by SHRM and by The Conference Board have indicated, this behavior started long before the recession.  The recession has just kept workers from reacting to it.  We’re starting to see some action on this front. And I, for one, am curious to see where it all will come out, after all you catch more (fire) flies with honey than vinegar.

I’m betting on Karma.  To hell with Hell.

I will never forget an experience I had while living in Utah.  For some reason a ski mountain was giving away a day free to residents – I think it was before the Olympics and they were showing off the venue ahead of the games.  Whatever the reason there was a coupon, you printed it out and you presented it at the ticket window.  As my husband and I like to ski, we partook.  When we got to the mountain there was 1 very long line.  I got in line while he took the coupons to see if we were in the right place.  Well we were and we weren’t.  There were 7 ticket windows…7!  And 3 of them were around the corner from the line with workers at the ready.  What happened was people just lined up behind the person in front of them without asking any questions…total sheep.

Now could the mountain have done a better job directing people that day?  Sure.  But could the people have done a better job taking responsibility for themselves?  Oh my goodness, yes!

And I think this may be why Human Resources departments and I don’t get along.  I am not and never have been a sheep.  And HR is often put in the position to enforce rules that I simply don’t get…like:

The workday ends at 5p:  At one company I worked for the HR guy would patrol the door between 4 and 5 and would call you out if you tried to leave before 5.  There was no consideration of whether your work for the day was done, no consideration of what you may have going on personally, there was just a rule.  I skirted it by taking long lunches on slow days to attend to personal needs…he didn’t patrol the door at the lunch hour.

Work is during the day…part-time school is at night:  Nope – I went to a graduate school that did not have part-time options.  So there were 1-4p classes and I was in them.  I bypassed HR and made a deal with my manager.  We’d go over my schedule each semester and we’d arrange for it to work.  Now the most befuddling thing about this one is that my employer who was making the rules…was also the graduate school I was attending and a benefit they they used to attract talent was tuition reimbursement!  The part of the University I worked for was very far removed from the actual day-to-day of University life, but still, how could I take advantage of the tuition benefit if I couldn’t complete a degree at night?!  Not to mention, by completing it at their school – the benefit money went right back in their pockets…befuddling.

New hires get 2-weeks vacation…unless they are upper management:  Ummm….no.  The person trying to hire me and my 15 years of experience understood why this was a ridiculous rule.  She went to HR – their hands were tied.  Hers were not.  Our deal was that I took as much vacation as needed.  We just didn’t always fill out the paperwork correctly for HR.  Now of course this can bite you if your manager leaves, and that happened here.  I had 5 managers in 3 years.  But I managed to work around the rule with all of them – as I made myself more valuable to them, than they were to me.

You can’t work part-time and also telecommute 1 day – Except I did…for 2 years…very successfully, until my employer tightened their grip on telecommuters because 1 of the many behaved badly.  Instead of firing that 1 individual, they took telecommuting off the table.  (Even though the CEO telecommuted from another country!) I took my skills off the table and moved on with my career.

And apparently being a sheep can get you killed crossing the street.  Which makes Bostonians who jaywalk constantly feel like geniuses.  Okay, we may not be geniuses but we are definitely not sheep.  Here’s hoping HR can learn how to stave off herd mentality and if not here’s hoping workers teach them how it’s done.

I’m not shy…I give my opinion…early and often.  And it never surprises me when someone younger is amazed that I would choose not to change places with them.  I have no desire to head back to my 20′s or my 30′s.  I remember them well…but those younger don’t know what they don’t know and they cannot possible understand why I feel as I do.  And as I read this article about women in their 20′s & 30′s recently, I thought, yep…I remember the day.  And as many other times in my life I wanted to reach out to those talked about in the article and tell them:

I know the grass always seems greener

I know you strive for more

and mostly

Stop and just relax…enjoy where you are at

That’s how I felt in graduate school as I talked to my fellow class-mates.  I didn’t take the traditional route and head to grad school full-time.  When I went I was working full-time, planning a wedding, and had family commitments.  And I was constantly amazed by the full-time 23-25 year olds around me.  They were lamenting how little time they had in their day and how they had a hard time getting their assignments in on time.  I was floored.  If I wanted to sleep I had just a few hours a day to work on school work.  It was the kind of tight schedule that makes you extremely efficient…as there was no extra time for friends, for parties, sometimes for family obligations.  But I was content with my work/life.  I did not feel overly stressed or harried by it.  They seemed stressed.

Fast forward to post-graduation.   While I was married at this time, my husband traveled often.  About 2 weeks a month he was away.  And for some of those years I was living in Salt Lake City while he was living in Boston…the life of a Double Income No Kids couple.    And I relate to the women in the article.  I was quite independent both financially and socially, but often alone.   And while I had a great work assignment that was exhilarating, and I had friends to keep me semi-busy, my life was not extremely remarkable or book-worthy.  Fortunately, I like me more than many of the people I’ve met during this life, but still I can remember feeling lonely and looking for more, a feeling of ennui.  The balance of my life was a bit off.

Now I’m a mom and I work and I have friends and I have extended family and a still-traveling husband and life can be crazy-busy.  Sometimes too busy, sometimes I feel a bit out of control with the pull of everyone/everything on my list.  And I wish I could reach back in time to those in grad. school and those in their 20′s & 30′s with their ennui and tell them…settle in…enjoy….it won’t be like this forever…and you will miss it when it’s gone.

Easier, of course, said than done, but perhaps that comes with age.

I’ve spent this long holiday weekend alone at  home, with no husband, no children and very little work to do for the first time in nearly 5 years.  I spent much of it with myself.  Enjoying the quiet, enjoying the ability to do what I want, when & if I want…or not.  Enjoying how unremarkable my life is at this time.

It has been great.  I feel very well-balanced right now.

And I have learned to appreciate exactly where I am.  I am very much looking forward to my family’s return today.  To jumping right back into my usual crazy life tomorrow with early morning Dr’s appts, play dates, work, and planning the next family trip to see Grandma.  I have learned to relish and embrace my current work/life, although stepping back in time was very, very lovely…temporarily.

Where are you in your work/life?  Content….crazy, busy….wanting more work….wanting more life?

You should treat yourself better than you treat your car.  I’m going to say that again…you should treat yourself better than you treat you car!

What on earth am I talking about?  Well think about it.  You make sure your car is fueled up or it won’t run.  You even have specific instructions on what fuel it needs to run correctly and you know if you don’t pay attention there’ll be trouble down the road.  The same is true for oil changes – every 3,000ish like clockwork.  You wash the salt off in the winter, you wax it in the summer.  If the “check engine light” comes on, first you curse and then you get it checked out.  And finally if it is overheating…you stop!  You wouldn’t dream of doing something to jeopardize your car’s performance.

And yet we in the US consume the wrong fuel, a crap diet of chemicals & processed food.   We don’t take breaks. We get run down and yet we keep right on going no matter all the “check engine” warning signs we see and feel.  And most fascinatingly of all we don’t even stop to fuel up…we just keep right on going while fueling.

I’m suggesting if you’d like to correct some of your work/life strife take a lesson from your local gas station…shut engine off while refueling. Maybe join this “Take Back Your Lunch” movement or maybe just get up from your desk, go to a different location, buy or take out your lunch, sit and relax…treat yourself better than you treat you car…for a change.

If you’re looking for a job or marketing your company/product or building your brand you are advised to “use your network.” And I agree, absolutely.  But I also think you need to actually know your network and understand what they can and are willing to do to help you.  It seems these days there are many people who want to network with me and my company but they haven’t taken the time to get to know me.  If they had they would know that:

1) I’m a mom and bedtime in my house is important.  I cannot listen to or be part of your talk show at bedtime.

2) I live in Boston…not (fill in the blank city/state).  Thanks so much for inviting me to your event tomorrow – but until teleportation is possible you know I cannot be there.

3) I’ve told you I’m off the road – no more business traveling.  I would love to speak at your conference…as soon as it comes to Boston.  (And you actually pay your speakers for their time!)

4) Nope I’m not interested in your political fundraiser, online learning course, how to network networking event, contest that is really a way to get my email address event, please stop inviting me to like, join or take part in it.

I think one of the reasons our work/life seems so cramped and uncontrolled in today’s world is due to the massive amounts of information and opportunities coming at us.  While being connected and having info readily available is helpful some believe the more choices we have the more stressful it is to choose.  And there may be something to that, but I just think it’s no fun to see all that you are missing out on.   Especially if it’s something that you were never going to be able to participate in anyway.  And as I pointed out above some of what comes our way is completely inappropriate.

For example in the past week I have been invited to 5 events.  None of which are anywhere near where I’ll be on the day of the event.  And the people who sent me the invitations know that.

I’m thrilled they are planning an event, I’d be happy to go if I were going to be within 20 miles of them – but in fact I’m a few thousand miles away because that’s where I live and work.

Perhaps it’s the former marketing manager in me, perhaps it’s that I value my network so much that I wouldn’t bother them unnecessarily with information that is not relevant to them, perhaps it’s that I’m getting old and cranky.  But seriously, why would you invite me to events you know I cannot attend?  If I’m coming to your neck of the woods and you are in my network – I’ll let you know – because I do truly want to see you if I am able with my work/life juggle.   It is one thing to announce something publicly and another to specifically spam the ones you “love.”  Please cut down on the irrelevant noise in my various inboxes, before I am forced to do it for you.

What about you?  Are you constantly being barraged with information and event invitations that are completely off the mark?  Does it increase your work/life struggle?

I know many of us moms feel like our husbands aren’t quite always pulling enough weight around the house.  In fact, I think many husbands even understand and secretly acknowledge this.  But let’s celebrate how far we’ve come…

When I was a kid Father’s day included a tie, a wallet, a badly crafted ashtray from school or some present of that nature.  Then Dad hung out in the den to watch sports or headed to the golf course.  Today’s Dad is different.  My husband and most of my friends husband’s see Father’s Day as a day to ensure they spend quality time with their kids.  This can be seen through some of the gifts my friends kids will be giving their Dads on Sunday:

This is not your father’s Father’s day.  This is a new era. One where Dads find bringing up the kids to be satisfying, enjoyable and part of their jobs.  More evidence of the modern Dad emerge in the Boston College Center for Work & Family’s new study “The New Dad:  Exploring Fatherhood Within a Career Context.”  Like other studies this one highlights the changing demographics of our society:  more women are in the workforce, more women are getting advanced degrees, the rise of the dual career family.  But instead of studying it from a woman’s point of view, this study looks at if from a man’s point of view.  And it points out that more of these men are now feeling work/life conflict than their partners (men = 58% women = 45%).  And these guys are working on it.  In their own words this study explores:

When my first child was born, I was working at the law firm and there’s always an aspiration of becoming partner and the expectation of having to bring in the business, do a lot of travel…With my new job and the second child, if I was never to advance a whole lot career wise, I’d be happy because the work is good, the money is good and you know, the family is happy.” [Matt, age 37]

And I have some of my own evidence.  Recently as my extended family was gathered together for a long weekend I learned about two Dads who made interesting career decisions.  Ones that I’m sure our Fathers’ generation would find befuddling.

Dad #1 – was out of work last year and recently got some contract work at a company he had worked for previously.  He loves the work, he does a great job, but it is uncertain as it’s contract work.  After a few months the company asks Dad #1 to come on full-time.  They are thrilled with his work and want him to join them.  While he is honored and his financial life would be rosier with the job, he refuses.  It’s not the work, it’s the company culture.  He’s worked there before, he’s seen those he works with now have conflict, it’s not a very family-friendly place.  So Dad #1 explains that he’s flattered but he’d much rather continue with the arrangement they currently have.  What he doesn’t say is that he likes being home for dinner with his family, attending events his kids are part of both during the work day and after, and he even was able to drive my family to the airport and say goodbye to us during the work day.  (Thanks!)

Dad #2 – Is a consultant for a company.  He has completed a recent project and now the company wants him to replicate that project in many cities.  He’s all for it.  In February he tells the company he’s ready to get started…he urges them to move forward.  They hold meetings, they delay and now it’s June.  They’re ready for him.  He reminds them what he told them when he took the consulting gig – June-August are a travel-free zone for him.  That is when his kids are out of school for the summer and free of sports and extra-curricular activities.  He wants to maximize his time with them and their backyard pool.  He’s sorry but if they want to do this project right now…they’ve got the wrong guy.  If they can hold off until September he’d be happy to help out.

And finally an example on how Dad’s are changed from today.  My husband is still the primary breadwinner so it is understood that I take on more of the childcare duties.  That is our dual-career family agreement.  This morning he is on deadline.  So I did what needed doing: getting our little one up, dressed and off to school.  When I returned from doing so he thanked me.  I’m pretty sure I never heard my Dad thank my Mom for getting us up and off to school!  It’s a new era for Dads and work/life that I’m thrilled to celebrate this weekend.

How about you?  Do you see changes in the way Dads are dads or the way they too struggle/juggle it all?

One of the unintended consequences of this blog is that people seek me out for advice.  Now, I’m not shy and I’m happy to tell you what I think…but at the same time, I just didn’t expect that.  And if people were seeking advice from me I would expect it to be in the work/life sphere.  How to get more flexibility at work, how to get more hands to help out at home, what is workplace flexibility and how can my company implement it.  And while that is the majority.  There is a strong minority, too…of job seekers.  Looking to learn how to do this whole job search thing in 2010.

For some of them it’s been a long time since they searched for a job, 20 years or more.  They were under the impression that work would always be there, because it always had been.  In many ways they are teaching me something.  After all I’ve had 7 jobs in 20 years partly due to the uncertain nature of the industry I used to be in and partly due to the fact that I enjoy change.  So to think of working for 1 or 2 companies in twenty-thirty years is a bit befuddling to me.  Almost as befuddling as how to handle being laid off is to the group of job seekers that ask advice from me.  Fortunately for them, I have a great network of people I know.  And one of that network is Paul Geffen, who found himself in their shoes just over 1 year ago.  For the first time in his adult life he was not working…and his journey over the past year is helpful to learn from.

Here is the gist:

Get started - some people just need a bit of a nudge to start.  Or a sympathetic ear.  And understand if you start and are unhappy, adjust your approach, change something and you just might find your niche.

Network, network, network - and while you want that network to be made up of people from your industry, cast a wider net, you’ll get a richer experience.

Know your story - of course you know your story but can you communicate it well.  I’m not a fan of the word “pitch” because for me networking is more about getting to know someone and having a conversation with them about mutual topics, not “pitching” them per se.  But I know Paul and he is a great networker as well – he’s not always pitching…he’s often listening and honing what he will say so when that right person comes along – he’s ready for them.

Keep busy – it may not be making you money, but keeping busy will keep you networking, could help build your skill sets and even bring you to new skill sets.  Paul did not do community building in his last gig…but he’s gotten pretty good at it and might even want to pursue it for his next gig.

Be ready to be surprised – whether it’s that you are enjoying your freedom more than you thought or than you feel you should admit, or it’s that you actually may no longer need that income as much as you thought or you didn’t really enjoy what your were doing anyway, you’d rather try something else.  Being unemployed is a journey.  Don’t script it.  Be ready to take what comes and investigate new opportunities and skills which just may take you somewhere wonderful.

Now of course you need to update your resume and have that ready and you need to talk to friends and colleagues and let them know that you are looking and what you are looking for, but the above tips will help you weather the storm.  And maybe even learn something about more flexibility at home and at work.  Paul certainly has.