This is not an article about why you should network.  You should.  End of story.  It’s how you get jobs, make friends, find out information about your industry, neighborhood, school, company.  It’s something we all should do more.  But I’m not your mother or your career coach so if you don’t want to network – I don’t care.

I network.  I do it as much as I can.  Why?  Because often I don’t have time.

I have clients who pay me for projects and they expect they will get done.  I have a little one who needs to be dropped off and picked up at school each day.  She needs to be fed every day and from what I’ve heard leaving her unattended is frowned upon…by society and by her and most definitely by her father.  Speaking of her father, I haven’t seen him all week.  He’s working and he loves his work and there are weeks like this when he comes in late at night, goes out early in the morning or is staying in another city for work.

So my human contact thus far this week includes my little one, my hairdresser, a couple of store clerks and brief interactions at school pick up and drop off.  Thank goodness for the play date we had this week…where there were other interesting adults in my home for far too short a time!

So I network.  Not because I’m looking for a job but because it staves of the loneliness of working from home in a home where your husband often commutes by airplane.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m sure my next job will come from networking…it’s just not today’s goal.  Today’s goal is basic human contact, and getting the juices of my mind flowing on something other than client issues and pre-school schedules.

What about you?  Why do you network?

Yesterday I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize.  I was at a business lunch and normally I would have let it go to voice mail, but for some reason I picked it up.  “This is Ann from school.  [Your little one] just got sick in class and you need to come pick her up.”  Now fortunately I was nearby, I had no appointments the rest of the day and my lunch was wrapping up so absolutely not a problem.  My husband and I had decided that with our current work schedules it made the most sense for me to be the parent that takes care of these things.  He’s often a plane-ride away from school pick up and his job is much-less forgiving than mine.  So it makes sense that I got the call.

The bummer was that she got sick at school.  And there’s that 24-hour rule.  You know no fever or throwing up for 24 hours before you return to school.  Now let’s face it, many parents fudge this rule.  They get docked pay if they stay home with their sick child, they have an important meeting that they’ve been preparing for for days, they’ve got a deadline they just can’t miss.  And I’m no different this time.  Recruitfest, a forward-thinking conference is happening in Boston.  My company is sponsoring it, I’ve helped put parts of it together, I know lots of great people speaking, attending, working at the event that I haven’t seen in far too long and I want to connect with them – as much as possible.

And my kid threw up in school!  So there’s no fudging the 24-hour rule. Crap!

Now so you don’t think I’m heartless and the worst mom in the world – she’s fine – she’s got a bug for sure – but when she’s not throwing up she’s dancing around the living room and yelling at Scooby-Doo to look behind him and see the big bad monster lurking there and she slept through the night with no issues.  In other words if she didn’t throw up her breakfast today I would probably have sent her to school a bit late had the school not been in the loop.

So crap!

And seriously she could have thrown up any day in the last 5 months or the next 4 except this week on Wednesday or Thursday.

Crap! Crap! Crap!

I spent much of yesterday working the phones to set up childcare that I usually don’t need during the school day, tempering expectations at the conference on when I may arrive and being frustrated and disappointed that months worth of work and expectation and anticipation are slipping through my fingers.  And honestly a little bummed that today is a day of checking in and checking on everyone instead of being the carefree day I envisioned.

Or in other words another day in the life of  the “go-to” parent in a dual-career family.  Which is why I can’t be tied to a cube or an office for the standard 9-5 hours.  After all throw up happens and I’m the go-to parent.

That title is taken from the show Two and Half Men – mostly because it was what ran through my head most as I noodled on this blog post.  Which does not help with the writers’ block at all

Here’s why I think this song kept running through my head.  Because it seems to me women do and men promote what they’ve done, they promote themselves, their good deeds, their hard work, everything and anything.  And for some reason women just do it….and then move on and do something else.  Gross generalizations I realize but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

I was fortunate enough to attend the Boston College Center for Work and Families 20th anniversary celebration last week.  And really liked the way the morning’s content was presented.  The title was Next Generation Work-Life: Celebrating our history, envisioning our future

The talk all morning was about how juggling work & family and being more available for your family is a leadership skill.  Not just at home, but also in the world of work.  And I wonder if the focus hadn’t been on men this time, if that would have held true.

The thought process is if  you are happy at home you will be more productive at work.  If you feel productive and valued at work, you won’t suffer from “kick the dog” syndrome and come home and well…kick the dog.  So it turns out work/life isn’t about feeling balanced, or easing stress or getting 28 hours of tasks done in a 24 hour day.  It’s about leadership.

This is the first time I’ve heard the work/life debate in this context, although it seems clear Steven Poelmans has been saying this for far longer than I’ve been listening clearly.

That session was followed by a panel of working fathers…yes, working fathers.  Whose spouses are working mothers and everyone needs to pitch in at home to make it all work.  At least that’s what all of these men realized as they navigated their way through dating, proposal, marriage and family planning.  I’m pretty sure not one of them would have come to this on their own.  But they have smart wives who communicate clearly and they communicated clearly…clearly.

Kudos to Boston College for putting on an agenda that focused on something other than work/life being a mommy, female, women’s issue.  We’ve come pretty far since the time when child rearing was clearly in the realm of the mom.

Many thanks to Dan Mulhern for heading the panel.  It was wonderful to hear his tales of how he first learned he may play a supporting role in the family (in pre-cana class) to anecdotes of how far men have come.  He talked about how he used to be the only man at the playground and wasn’t really sure where to stand or what to say when he first started taking on the “go-to-parent” role in the family.  Fast forward to today when he is far from the only Dad at the playground where men make playdates for their kids to head to the playground with other Dads whose company they enjoy.

It’s great to hear the remember whens but I also think the evidence that Dads have an increasing role in our work/life are everywhere:

More Dads at school drop off & pick up (less for regular schedule pick up – but plenty at afterschool programs)

More Dads actively involved in school on PTAs & parents committees

More Dads at the playground

More Dads at the Pediatrician’s and Dentist’s offices

More Dads making playdates with me & my little one

The other exciting part of this celebration was not just men taking time out from their career to discuss this.  The number of companies who sent HR people who focus on work/life issues to this conference.  To listen, to learn and to share with each other.  Interestingly, during the men’s panel most of the questions were not HR focused…but personally focused.  So for those of you who don’t believe it…HR people are real people too, with the same struggles & juggles as the rest of us.

The day showed what great progress has been made even in the past two years, since I’ve started this site.  But yes, we still do have a long ways to go.  And we can learn much from each other.  Women – promote yourself & your skills more.  Still keep getting it done – but then tell someone you got it done and communicate clearly with your spouse.  You are a leader both at work and at home!  And men – let’s not kid ourselves…you’ve come a long way, but you’re no where near 50-50 in the parenting, housework, home organization realm.  While you deserve a pat on the back…don’t let it go to your head…get back and just do it.  Because there’s always more to do.

School started Wednesday for the first time ever for my family and I’ve become that parent. You know the one, the one in the Staples ad skipping through the store while the children walk sullenly behind:

Yeah, that parent.

And it’s all because I like to work. Professionally, that is. Goodness knows I’ve been working quite hard the last month.

• Bought a new home
• Renovated it (read- managed contractors, not actually hammered/nailed anything)
• Boxed up belongings…moved them a mile…unboxed same
• Was childcare – as my nanny has gone down to part-time and took an ill-timed (for me) but well deserved (for her) vacation

Explaining why I haven’t blogged since August 19th and haven’t blogged consistently in a very long time. While I have been working on helping to plan a party for an upcoming conference and am getting ready to moderate a really interesting webinar. I have not had enough time for work to be fulfilling.  And I feel like I haven’t talked to anyone except contractors, little ones and teachers in ages.

Hooray for the first day of school. I needed that!

I’ve been reading and am interested in the proposed legislation in New York that would give Nannies a Worker’s Bill of Rights both because I write about workplace conditions here and because I employ a Nanny. While  I do not live in New York so the legislation would not affect me, I certainly have an opinion.  But honestly we’ve heard from the bloggers, the journalists, and the moms on the issue but we have not heard much from those that it is proposed to help….the Nanny community.

So I asked my Nanny what she thought, which seemed a sensible thing to do.

Here are her details:

Juliette
30
Born & raised in the US
Professional Nanny – meaning this is what she does & wants to do for a living. Her mother & sister are also professional nannies
Some college education but college was not for her
Bright and capable
Has been in our employ 4 1/2 years

Me:  What do you think of the proposal that Nannies who work more than an 8 hour day get paid overtime – meaning time & a half?

Juliette:  (after thinking about it) I think it should be between the employer & employee to decide that.  For instance I worked for 1 family that asked if I minded working 50 hours/week.  I was happy to, and liked the extra pay.  If they had had to pay me time and half I’m not sure they would have offered me the extra work.

Juliette:  Also – what about how I used to work for you 4 days a week for 10 hours a day.  I really liked that schedule, it gave me Fridays off and I got to sleep in.  Would you have to pay me overtime even if I only worked 40 hours?

Me:  It appears that way.

Juliette:  That stinks for me (pause) and for you.

Juliette:  And what about weeks you go away?  If I was scheduled for 50 hours and you went away, would you still have to pay me overtime even though I didn’t really work that week? ==== (My family travels a lot!)

Me:  I don’t know.

Me:  Also the law would give Nannies paid vacation & sick time.

Juliette:  I already get that.

Me:  It would also mandate that I give you two weeks’ notice before firing you.

Juliette: Well, you just gave me 3 months’ notice that you could only keep me on part-time and then helped me find another family to fill in the gap.  (Long, long pause) So I don’t think I really care about this law.

Me: Yeah.

There are a million different scenarios for how nannies work and are paid in this country.  And I completely understand that workers now as in the past sometimes need protection.  But I fear the ones who need it will not get it with this law.  Juliette is an intelligent, strong-willed worker who interviewed us 4 1/2 years ago as rigorously as we interviewed her.  She does not need this law.  If she felt she was being taken advantage first she would speak up for herself and if that didn’t work she would simply find another job.  And I fear those that do need this law are mostly not in this country legally and will never complain.

I wish those who employ anyone – domestic workers, line workers, laborers, knowledge workers – would just treat others as they would like to be treated as an employee:

• Give a specific job description including what is expected during work hours and stick to it or amend it.
• Pay a fair wage.
• Vacation and sick time are part of a healthy workforce and should be paid.
• Reward good behavior.
• Punish bad behavior.
• Communicate early and often if problems/concerns arise.
• Understand those you employ do have lives outside of work and be flexible when needed.
• Do not take advantage of any worker.
• Employee US citizens or those with green cards eligible to work in this country.
• Give appropriate and honest notice of changes to work status – like reduced hours, lay offs, etc.

Any questions?

We all make deals in life.  Whether it be less pay for more flexibility, whether it be postponing a “have to” do for a “want to” do, whether it be going to one family event so you can skip the next one.  It’s life.  And as life changes and grows and morphs the deals we have made may require some renegotiating.  Because let’s face it what worked 10 years ago is likely not to work today and may not work tomorrow.

So I get a little confused when people get upset at me for calling the condo my husband and I are buying our new deal.  It may not be romantic, but it is realistic.  In marriage deals are struck all the time – having kids vs. not having kids, living closer to his work or hers or splitting the difference, whose family gets Thanksgiving, whose gets Christmas.  A marriage is a series of negotiations and agreements.  That is reality.  Ours is no different.

Over the past year my husband and I have been re-negotiating.  We had a great deal.  We both worked, we both had great careers, we had a good income, we lived frugally, we traveled apart and then would come back together and enjoy each other.  It worked.  We didn’t see our home or each other a lot but we felt fulfilled.

And then we added something…a wonderful, bright, curious little one.  And everything changed.

I traveled less, I was home every night, I cooked dinners more regularly, I scheduled the household, I lost some of me.  While changes were more subtle for my husband, they were still there.  He couldn’t work out whenever he wanted.  If he had traveled during the week, his weekends were mostly family-time.  He lost touch with friends.  Needless to say we were both grumpy.  And neither felt any sort of balance.  We were always lamenting that which we weren’t doing instead of enjoying that which we were.

As I was lamenting my husband being a road warrior I stumbled upon our “dream home.”  I was not looking for it, but it is the perfect place for us for the next 10-15 years of our lives. And it was time to face up to my reality…my husband is a road warrior.  He has tried to change but the one time he did, it went disastrously, so he is hesitant to try again.  He also has a great job that he loves and thrives at.  I would love to have the career I used to, but to do so would mean asking a lot of him.  And while I’m not the ooey gooey mommy type it is important to me that our little one is raised by parents and that we are the ones that tuck her in most nights and soothe the aches, pains and bruises of life.

So after a year of soul searching, talking to each other, to counselors, to friends….we have struck a new deal.  And not everyone will get everything they want…right now.  But it’s a good deal.  I get the home that makes being a home body more appealing but forces us to live less frugally, he gets to stay on the road with an eye toward coming home earlier and more often and my little one will have mommy or daddy walk her to and from school, and she’s very excited to pick the colors for her new room & play area.  It’s a good deal and I’m taking it…until we become unbalanced again…and need to renegotiate.

What sort of deals do you make in your life to feel more balanced?

Since the movie The Bucket List – I’ve heard more and more people exclaim that something is on their bucket list.  Well I’m not waiting for retirement.  I’m making my list now and I’m checking it twice and early and often as the opportunity arises.

My thoughts on work are not to work really, really hard, almost exclusively, then get older, slow down and take time off.  I tend to think work is an ebb and flow.  Sometimes it’s busy…sometimes it’s not and sometimes maybe you’re even on the pavement.  I like to take advantage of the slow times and appreciate them, yes, appreciate them.  Hey the first time I got laid off – at the young old age of 31 – I did cartwheels down the TV station’s hallway.  After all our last day was to be the Friday before Memorial Day and suddenly I found myself with a summer free from the office and finally some closure on a process that had been festering for far too long in that workplace.  It was a positive experience and I’m sure you’ll think I’m odd but that’s now how I view work stoppages…as opportunities, although I’m apparently not alone.  Without work there is time…time to read more, to check out that restaurant at lunch that costs a fortune for dinner, to take my bike on the MBTA and ride to far flung beaches.   I could rehash my economic philosophy that allows for my carefree ways during work stoppages, but you can simply read it yourself.

So this summer as my economic policy takes over my work portion of life needs to have a temporary slow down.  You see come September I will not need full-time childcare.  My little one will be in school almost all day and my frugal ways will preclude me from paying someone full-time when I only need them a very limited amount…if at all.  So I embarked on a journey to find my nanny a part-time gig – so I could also keep her part-time.  And it worked better than I had hoped.  She’s happily starting with another family 3-days a week next week.  Which suddenly leaves me without childcare 23 hours a week that I had counted on previously.

It shouldn’t affect work too much…as I am able to work where, when & how I want.  But I will need to shift my thinking.  Some days now, I will work more post bed-time and less during the day.  And the luxury of running errands alone without a little one in tow will now to be a fond memory of my past.

Since this is wonderful, unexpected found time it’s time to make a list.  A list of what I want to experience with my little one over the last 6 weeks of summer.  The last summer we have between when babyhood officially ends and being a full-fledged school-age kid begins.  And a list of what she wants to experience with mommy.  And to check items off one by one…or to maybe just relish in the fact that we don’t have to do anything or go anywhere some days.  Just enjoy each other and our surroundings.

I know many of us moms feel like our husbands aren’t quite always pulling enough weight around the house.  In fact, I think many husbands even understand and secretly acknowledge this.  But let’s celebrate how far we’ve come…

When I was a kid Father’s day included a tie, a wallet, a badly crafted ashtray from school or some present of that nature.  Then Dad hung out in the den to watch sports or headed to the golf course.  Today’s Dad is different.  My husband and most of my friends husband’s see Father’s Day as a day to ensure they spend quality time with their kids.  This can be seen through some of the gifts my friends kids will be giving their Dads on Sunday:

This is not your father’s Father’s day.  This is a new era. One where Dads find bringing up the kids to be satisfying, enjoyable and part of their jobs.  More evidence of the modern Dad emerge in the Boston College Center for Work & Family’s new study “The New Dad:  Exploring Fatherhood Within a Career Context.”  Like other studies this one highlights the changing demographics of our society:  more women are in the workforce, more women are getting advanced degrees, the rise of the dual career family.  But instead of studying it from a woman’s point of view, this study looks at if from a man’s point of view.  And it points out that more of these men are now feeling work/life conflict than their partners (men = 58% women = 45%).  And these guys are working on it.  In their own words this study explores:

When my first child was born, I was working at the law firm and there’s always an aspiration of becoming partner and the expectation of having to bring in the business, do a lot of travel…With my new job and the second child, if I was never to advance a whole lot career wise, I’d be happy because the work is good, the money is good and you know, the family is happy.” [Matt, age 37]

And I have some of my own evidence.  Recently as my extended family was gathered together for a long weekend I learned about two Dads who made interesting career decisions.  Ones that I’m sure our Fathers’ generation would find befuddling.

Dad #1 – was out of work last year and recently got some contract work at a company he had worked for previously.  He loves the work, he does a great job, but it is uncertain as it’s contract work.  After a few months the company asks Dad #1 to come on full-time.  They are thrilled with his work and want him to join them.  While he is honored and his financial life would be rosier with the job, he refuses.  It’s not the work, it’s the company culture.  He’s worked there before, he’s seen those he works with now have conflict, it’s not a very family-friendly place.  So Dad #1 explains that he’s flattered but he’d much rather continue with the arrangement they currently have.  What he doesn’t say is that he likes being home for dinner with his family, attending events his kids are part of both during the work day and after, and he even was able to drive my family to the airport and say goodbye to us during the work day.  (Thanks!)

Dad #2 – Is a consultant for a company.  He has completed a recent project and now the company wants him to replicate that project in many cities.  He’s all for it.  In February he tells the company he’s ready to get started…he urges them to move forward.  They hold meetings, they delay and now it’s June.  They’re ready for him.  He reminds them what he told them when he took the consulting gig – June-August are a travel-free zone for him.  That is when his kids are out of school for the summer and free of sports and extra-curricular activities.  He wants to maximize his time with them and their backyard pool.  He’s sorry but if they want to do this project right now…they’ve got the wrong guy.  If they can hold off until September he’d be happy to help out.

And finally an example on how Dad’s are changed from today.  My husband is still the primary breadwinner so it is understood that I take on more of the childcare duties.  That is our dual-career family agreement.  This morning he is on deadline.  So I did what needed doing: getting our little one up, dressed and off to school.  When I returned from doing so he thanked me.  I’m pretty sure I never heard my Dad thank my Mom for getting us up and off to school!  It’s a new era for Dads and work/life that I’m thrilled to celebrate this weekend.

How about you?  Do you see changes in the way Dads are dads or the way they too struggle/juggle it all?

Yesterday I was in need of some good old escapism.  So I went to the movies.  As I perused the internet checking on movie times I debated.  I had peripherally seen bits and pieces of reviews for “Sex and the City 2″ and according to these opinions I would be failing women and Muslims if I went to see this movie. So I considered alternatives.  But when I got to the theater I went with my gut.  I really wanted to escape…and it seemed “Letters to Juliette” would be heavier than I was up for.  And “Robin Hood’s” timing was a bit off…and really I wanted to see SATC2.  And I’m glad I did.

Perhaps it’s because I am Carrie Bradshaw’s age.  Perhaps it’s because I live in a city on the East Coast and flirt part-time with living in New York. Perhaps it’s because I am actually as selfish and narcisstic as the reviews suggest I must be, but I identified with it and enjoyed it.

Conflict between career & life: I think many in this community can identify with Miranda.  She wants the great career but she also has other things going on in her life.  Always being forced to choose work causes friction at home.   She also wants to be respected at work for her abilities and she is not.  Finally, she loves working and she loves her child and she is judged harshly for wanting both.  Haven’t many of us been there?  I know I have.

The Wayback Machine: How about those 80′s flashbacks.  Oh my goodness, so funny.  Those were not really over the top.  I dressed that way, had similar hair and know so many who did as well.  While being back in the 80′s makes you cringe a little…it also made me smile.

DINKs (Double Income No Kids): As for Carrie.  There was a time when I was positive it was just going to be my husband and me.  We talked about it, we didn’t think kids were for us, we were constantly defending that choice and again being judged for it.  During that time we also made good money and had lots of disposable income.  I may have obssessed over a couch and the fabric for it for a good year plus.  It’s true.  I can identify.

Motherhood is hard: On to Charlotte.  I don’t hide in the closet and cry about motherhood.  But I’ve had my bad days…and I’ll cry right in front of you.  No guilt here.  Motherhood is hard.  I admit that freely and often have conversations with other moms who like Charlotte need a little prompting to have an honest conversation on the topic.  I am also lucky enough to have full-time childcare and I relish it.  And I have actually told my husband in the past, “Don’t make me choose between you and the nanny, you will lose.”  We were joking about something at the time…I can’t remember what, but there was also the ring of truth to the statement.  Many of my friends have said same.

Aging: I identify much less with Samantha.  Although I’m pretty sure I’ve hit peri-menopause and I’m not enjoying its effects so her portrayal of menopause is something that is clearly on my mind.

Culture clash: I’m still not sure how I feel about all the brouhaha over the ladies in the Middle East.  Yes, it was very stereotypical American bad behavior.  But I think most of us watching know that.  I also think if we are to be honest with ourselves we may have acted (at least initially) similar.  I have never been to a Muslim-dominated country where coverings are worn.  I’m sure I would be agape at sights I would see.  And I’m one of those American travelers who prides myself in learning a bit of the language first, brushing up on customs and having conversations in foreign countries with everyday citizens while staying away from the American hotel chains.  But I’m sure I would still be ill-behaved and offensive in some way…without meaning to.  And when I was back home and alone with my friends I’m sure I would talk about how “backward” it seemed to me…because that’s how it feels to me…honesty, here.  I wish I could find a middle eastern woman’s point of view on this movie.  I tried but could not – only men’s voices.  Which I do think says something about the culture.

There are other similarities like the fact that I live in Massachusetts and I have gay friends and some of them are married.  While the wedding scene was over-the-top it was funny!  And it had a ring of truth to it.  And I think that’s what I liked about this movie.  It was over-the-top to the point of unrealistic for most of us but with a ring of truth.  And it was great escapist fun.  And I thank the producers as I needed that!

For the first time in years my husband and I are enjoying an extended time together, on vacation, no kids.  And it’s great.  There’s no talk of who’s pulling their weight around the house.  No bickering over whose turn it is to be “on” parenting-wise.  Just getting back to remembering what we always liked about each other and still do.

As a parent, I knew this week would be great for us.  And I knew it would be great for my little one.  As an only child she is used to the adult world.  She is used to putting a toy down and having it unmolested when she gets back to it.  She is used to being the center of the universe with lots of adults rushing to her aid for the simplest thing.  Not this week.

She has been spending this week with cousins.  Ranging from teenagers to 1st graders and it is no longer all about her.  And from the reports I’m hearing she is loving her independence and taking to it well.  Doing things for herself that we typically help her with at home.  Learning give and take.  Asking questions when she’s unsure.  And gaining great self-confidence.

By letting go we are strengthening our marriage, and helping our little one learn and grow.  The lessons for this in the work/life struggle juggle is by giving up some control, we are all gaining much more.  So many parents and managers in the workplace focus on “control” and “trust.”   Instead I think they should lose control and presume trust and ability of kids/workers to do it themselves – there is more to be gained than they can possibly imagine.