So I asked my Nanny what she thought, which seemed a sensible thing to do.

Here are her details:

Juliette
30
Born & raised in the US
Professional Nanny – meaning this is what she does & wants to do for a living. Her mother & sister are also professional nannies
Some college education but college was not for her
Bright and capable
Has been in our employ 4 1/2 years

Me:  What do you think of the proposal that Nannies who work more than an 8 hour day get paid overtime – meaning time & a half?

Juliette:  (after thinking about it) I think it should be between the employer & employee to decide that.  For instance I worked for 1 family that asked if I minded working 50 hours/week.  I was happy to, and liked the extra pay.  If they had had to pay me time and half I’m not sure they would have offered me the extra work.

Juliette:  Also – what about how I used to work for you 4 days a week for 10 hours a day.  I really liked that schedule, it gave me Fridays off and I got to sleep in.  Would you have to pay me overtime even if I only worked 40 hours?

Me:  It appears that way.

Juliette:  That stinks for me (pause) and for you.

Juliette:  And what about weeks you go away?  If I was scheduled for 50 hours and you went away, would you still have to pay me overtime even though I didn’t really work that week? ==== (My family travels a lot!)

Me:  I don’t know.

Me:  Also the law would give Nannies paid vacation & sick time.

Juliette:  I already get that.

Me:  It would also mandate that I give you two weeks’ notice before firing you.

Juliette: Well, you just gave me 3 months’ notice that you could only keep me on part-time and then helped me find another family to fill in the gap.  (Long, long pause) So I don’t think I really care about this law.

Me: Yeah.

There are a million different scenarios for how nannies work and are paid in this country.  And I completely understand that workers now as in the past sometimes need protection.  But I fear the ones who need it will not get it with this law.  Juliette is an intelligent, strong-willed worker who interviewed us 4 1/2 years ago as rigorously as we interviewed her.  She does not need this law.  If she felt she was being taken advantage first she would speak up for herself and if that didn’t work she would simply find another job.  And I fear those that do need this law are mostly not in this country legally and will never complain.

I wish those who employ anyone – domestic workers, line workers, laborers, knowledge workers – would just treat others as they would like to be treated as an employee:

• Give a specific job description including what is expected during work hours and stick to it or amend it.
• Pay a fair wage.
• Vacation and sick time are part of a healthy workforce and should be paid.
• Reward good behavior.
• Punish bad behavior.
• Communicate early and often if problems/concerns arise.
• Understand those you employ do have lives outside of work and be flexible when needed.
• Do not take advantage of any worker.
• Employee US citizens or those with green cards eligible to work in this country.
• Give appropriate and honest notice of changes to work status – like reduced hours, lay offs, etc.

Any questions?

So I get a little confused when people get upset at me for calling the condo my husband and I are buying our new deal.  It may not be romantic, but it is realistic.  In marriage deals are struck all the time – having kids vs. not having kids, living closer to his work or hers or splitting the difference, whose family gets Thanksgiving, whose gets Christmas.  A marriage is a series of negotiations and agreements.  That is reality.  Ours is no different.

Over the past year my husband and I have been re-negotiating.  We had a great deal.  We both worked, we both had great careers, we had a good income, we lived frugally, we traveled apart and then would come back together and enjoy each other.  It worked.  We didn’t see our home or each other a lot but we felt fulfilled.

And then we added something…a wonderful, bright, curious little one.  And everything changed.

I traveled less, I was home every night, I cooked dinners more regularly, I scheduled the household, I lost some of me.  While changes were more subtle for my husband, they were still there.  He couldn’t work out whenever he wanted.  If he had traveled during the week, his weekends were mostly family-time.  He lost touch with friends.  Needless to say we were both grumpy.  And neither felt any sort of balance.  We were always lamenting that which we weren’t doing instead of enjoying that which we were.

As I was lamenting my husband being a road warrior I stumbled upon our “dream home.”  I was not looking for it, but it is the perfect place for us for the next 10-15 years of our lives. And it was time to face up to my reality…my husband is a road warrior.  He has tried to change but the one time he did, it went disastrously, so he is hesitant to try again.  He also has a great job that he loves and thrives at.  I would love to have the career I used to, but to do so would mean asking a lot of him.  And while I’m not the ooey gooey mommy type it is important to me that our little one is raised by parents and that we are the ones that tuck her in most nights and soothe the aches, pains and bruises of life.

So after a year of soul searching, talking to each other, to counselors, to friends….we have struck a new deal.  And not everyone will get everything they want…right now.  But it’s a good deal.  I get the home that makes being a home body more appealing but forces us to live less frugally, he gets to stay on the road with an eye toward coming home earlier and more often and my little one will have mommy or daddy walk her to and from school, and she’s very excited to pick the colors for her new room & play area.  It’s a good deal and I’m taking it…until we become unbalanced again…and need to renegotiate.

What sort of deals do you make in your life to feel more balanced?

Since the movie The Bucket List – I’ve heard more and more people exclaim that something is on their bucket list.  Well I’m not waiting for retirement.  I’m making my list now and I’m checking it twice and early and often as the opportunity arises.

My thoughts on work are not to work really, really hard, almost exclusively, then get older, slow down and take time off.  I tend to think work is an ebb and flow.  Sometimes it’s busy…sometimes it’s not and sometimes maybe you’re even on the pavement.  I like to take advantage of the slow times and appreciate them, yes, appreciate them.  Hey the first time I got laid off – at the young old age of 31 – I did cartwheels down the TV station’s hallway.  After all our last day was to be the Friday before Memorial Day and suddenly I found myself with a summer free from the office and finally some closure on a process that had been festering for far too long in that workplace.  It was a positive experience and I’m sure you’ll think I’m odd but that’s now how I view work stoppages…as opportunities, although I’m apparently not alone.  Without work there is time…time to read more, to check out that restaurant at lunch that costs a fortune for dinner, to take my bike on the MBTA and ride to far flung beaches.   I could rehash my economic philosophy that allows for my carefree ways during work stoppages, but you can simply read it yourself.

So this summer as my economic policy takes over my work portion of life needs to have a temporary slow down.  You see come September I will not need full-time childcare.  My little one will be in school almost all day and my frugal ways will preclude me from paying someone full-time when I only need them a very limited amount…if at all.  So I embarked on a journey to find my nanny a part-time gig – so I could also keep her part-time.  And it worked better than I had hoped.  She’s happily starting with another family 3-days a week next week.  Which suddenly leaves me without childcare 23 hours a week that I had counted on previously.

It shouldn’t affect work too much…as I am able to work where, when & how I want.  But I will need to shift my thinking.  Some days now, I will work more post bed-time and less during the day.  And the luxury of running errands alone without a little one in tow will now to be a fond memory of my past.

Since this is wonderful, unexpected found time it’s time to make a list.  A list of what I want to experience with my little one over the last 6 weeks of summer.  The last summer we have between when babyhood officially ends and being a full-fledged school-age kid begins.  And a list of what she wants to experience with mommy.  And to check items off one by one…or to maybe just relish in the fact that we don’t have to do anything or go anywhere some days.  Just enjoy each other and our surroundings.

When I was a kid Father’s day included a tie, a wallet, a badly crafted ashtray from school or some present of that nature.  Then Dad hung out in the den to watch sports or headed to the golf course.  Today’s Dad is different.  My husband and most of my friends husband’s see Father’s Day as a day to ensure they spend quality time with their kids.  This can be seen through some of the gifts my friends kids will be giving their Dads on Sunday:

This is not your father’s Father’s day.  This is a new era. One where Dads find bringing up the kids to be satisfying, enjoyable and part of their jobs.  More evidence of the modern Dad emerge in the Boston College Center for Work & Family’s new study “The New Dad:  Exploring Fatherhood Within a Career Context.”  Like other studies this one highlights the changing demographics of our society:  more women are in the workforce, more women are getting advanced degrees, the rise of the dual career family.  But instead of studying it from a woman’s point of view, this study looks at if from a man’s point of view.  And it points out that more of these men are now feeling work/life conflict than their partners (men = 58% women = 45%).  And these guys are working on it.  In their own words this study explores:

When my first child was born, I was working at the law firm and there’s always an aspiration of becoming partner and the expectation of having to bring in the business, do a lot of travel…With my new job and the second child, if I was never to advance a whole lot career wise, I’d be happy because the work is good, the money is good and you know, the family is happy.” [Matt, age 37]

And I have some of my own evidence.  Recently as my extended family was gathered together for a long weekend I learned about two Dads who made interesting career decisions.  Ones that I’m sure our Fathers’ generation would find befuddling.

Dad #1 – was out of work last year and recently got some contract work at a company he had worked for previously.  He loves the work, he does a great job, but it is uncertain as it’s contract work.  After a few months the company asks Dad #1 to come on full-time.  They are thrilled with his work and want him to join them.  While he is honored and his financial life would be rosier with the job, he refuses.  It’s not the work, it’s the company culture.  He’s worked there before, he’s seen those he works with now have conflict, it’s not a very family-friendly place.  So Dad #1 explains that he’s flattered but he’d much rather continue with the arrangement they currently have.  What he doesn’t say is that he likes being home for dinner with his family, attending events his kids are part of both during the work day and after, and he even was able to drive my family to the airport and say goodbye to us during the work day.  (Thanks!)

Dad #2 – Is a consultant for a company.  He has completed a recent project and now the company wants him to replicate that project in many cities.  He’s all for it.  In February he tells the company he’s ready to get started…he urges them to move forward.  They hold meetings, they delay and now it’s June.  They’re ready for him.  He reminds them what he told them when he took the consulting gig – June-August are a travel-free zone for him.  That is when his kids are out of school for the summer and free of sports and extra-curricular activities.  He wants to maximize his time with them and their backyard pool.  He’s sorry but if they want to do this project right now…they’ve got the wrong guy.  If they can hold off until September he’d be happy to help out.

And finally an example on how Dad’s are changed from today.  My husband is still the primary breadwinner so it is understood that I take on more of the childcare duties.  That is our dual-career family agreement.  This morning he is on deadline.  So I did what needed doing: getting our little one up, dressed and off to school.  When I returned from doing so he thanked me.  I’m pretty sure I never heard my Dad thank my Mom for getting us up and off to school!  It’s a new era for Dads and work/life that I’m thrilled to celebrate this weekend.

How about you?  Do you see changes in the way Dads are dads or the way they too struggle/juggle it all?

Perhaps it’s because I am Carrie Bradshaw’s age.  Perhaps it’s because I live in a city on the East Coast and flirt part-time with living in New York. Perhaps it’s because I am actually as selfish and narcisstic as the reviews suggest I must be, but I identified with it and enjoyed it.

Conflict between career & life: I think many in this community can identify with Miranda.  She wants the great career but she also has other things going on in her life.  Always being forced to choose work causes friction at home.   She also wants to be respected at work for her abilities and she is not.  Finally, she loves working and she loves her child and she is judged harshly for wanting both.  Haven’t many of us been there?  I know I have.

The Wayback Machine: How about those 80′s flashbacks.  Oh my goodness, so funny.  Those were not really over the top.  I dressed that way, had similar hair and know so many who did as well.  While being back in the 80′s makes you cringe a little…it also made me smile.

DINKs (Double Income No Kids): As for Carrie.  There was a time when I was positive it was just going to be my husband and me.  We talked about it, we didn’t think kids were for us, we were constantly defending that choice and again being judged for it.  During that time we also made good money and had lots of disposable income.  I may have obssessed over a couch and the fabric for it for a good year plus.  It’s true.  I can identify.

Motherhood is hard: On to Charlotte.  I don’t hide in the closet and cry about motherhood.  But I’ve had my bad days…and I’ll cry right in front of you.  No guilt here.  Motherhood is hard.  I admit that freely and often have conversations with other moms who like Charlotte need a little prompting to have an honest conversation on the topic.  I am also lucky enough to have full-time childcare and I relish it.  And I have actually told my husband in the past, “Don’t make me choose between you and the nanny, you will lose.”  We were joking about something at the time…I can’t remember what, but there was also the ring of truth to the statement.  Many of my friends have said same.

Aging: I identify much less with Samantha.  Although I’m pretty sure I’ve hit peri-menopause and I’m not enjoying its effects so her portrayal of menopause is something that is clearly on my mind.

Culture clash: I’m still not sure how I feel about all the brouhaha over the ladies in the Middle East.  Yes, it was very stereotypical American bad behavior.  But I think most of us watching know that.  I also think if we are to be honest with ourselves we may have acted (at least initially) similar.  I have never been to a Muslim-dominated country where coverings are worn.  I’m sure I would be agape at sights I would see.  And I’m one of those American travelers who prides myself in learning a bit of the language first, brushing up on customs and having conversations in foreign countries with everyday citizens while staying away from the American hotel chains.  But I’m sure I would still be ill-behaved and offensive in some way…without meaning to.  And when I was back home and alone with my friends I’m sure I would talk about how “backward” it seemed to me…because that’s how it feels to me…honesty, here.  I wish I could find a middle eastern woman’s point of view on this movie.  I tried but could not – only men’s voices.  Which I do think says something about the culture.

There are other similarities like the fact that I live in Massachusetts and I have gay friends and some of them are married.  While the wedding scene was over-the-top it was funny!  And it had a ring of truth to it.  And I think that’s what I liked about this movie.  It was over-the-top to the point of unrealistic for most of us but with a ring of truth.  And it was great escapist fun.  And I thank the producers as I needed that!

As a parent, I knew this week would be great for us.  And I knew it would be great for my little one.  As an only child she is used to the adult world.  She is used to putting a toy down and having it unmolested when she gets back to it.  She is used to being the center of the universe with lots of adults rushing to her aid for the simplest thing.  Not this week.

She has been spending this week with cousins.  Ranging from teenagers to 1st graders and it is no longer all about her.  And from the reports I’m hearing she is loving her independence and taking to it well.  Doing things for herself that we typically help her with at home.  Learning give and take.  Asking questions when she’s unsure.  And gaining great self-confidence.

By letting go we are strengthening our marriage, and helping our little one learn and grow.  The lessons for this in the work/life struggle juggle is by giving up some control, we are all gaining much more.  So many parents and managers in the workplace focus on “control” and “trust.”   Instead I think they should lose control and presume trust and ability of kids/workers to do it themselves – there is more to be gained than they can possibly imagine.

I agree.  And I have seen it personified this week as my family is mourning a great loss for us and this community.  In fact in this nice article about my little one’s Grandpa Todd there are only 22 words out of 604 dedicated to his job…many more speak to his life.  And it is his because of how he lived his life that we have gathered and why the phone and doorbell have not stopped ringing.

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Lappin helped ‘Make-A-Wish’ dreams come true

He was also a leader in Milwaukee’s Jewish community

By Meg Jones of the Journal Sentinel

Posted: May 23, 2010

After Todd Lappin was diagnosed with cancer he would tell people that the kidney doctors removed was never his favorite kidney.

It was with humor and compassion that Lappin dealt with kidney cancer, attributes he used to make a difference in other lives through philanthropy and by participating in clinical trials to help scientists searching for a cure.

Lappin died Friday of a heart attack at his Mequon home. He was 70.

After Lappin was diagnosed with pulmonary lymphoma and kidney cancer in 1991 he received contributions from many friends and searched for the best way to use the donations. He chose the Make-A-Wish Foundation and became chairman of the board of the local organization.

“It just sounded like a perfect fit,” said his wife, Muriel Lappin.

Through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Lappin met a 6-year-old boy with a brain tumor and granted his dream to visit Disney World. Muriel Lappin said the boy was so ill doctors worried he might not survive the trip, but the boy lived for six more months and bonded with Lappin.

“He had an incredible ability to touch people in a way that was very important to them,” said his son Michael Lappin.

A Duke University graduate, he ran Lappin Electric Co., a wholesale electrical supply firm started by his grandfather in 1919, until it was sold in 1997. Lappin, whose sister Sue is married to Bud Selig, was a leader in Milwaukee’s Jewish community and was president of the Milwaukee Jewish Federation and the Jewish Community Center of Greater Milwaukee.

He served on the boards of the Milwaukee Boys and Girls Club and Gilda’s Club and was chairman of the capital campaign committee of Milwaukee College Preparatory School. Lappin was president of Brynwood Country Club and was active in the American Cancer Society and the University of Wisconsin Paul P. Carbone Cancer Clinic.

Through the cancer clinic, he volunteered to participate in medical trials including one study where he was Patient No. 0001, which turned out to be an international study that resulted in FDA approval of a drug.

“It was not easy to be on that particular drug, but he was a fighter and really tried not to complain,” Muriel Lappin said.

After his cancer diagnosis in 1991, doctors removed one of his kidneys and then prepared to start chemotherapy for the pulmonary lymphoma. After further testing, a radiologist told Lappin’s doctor that the chemotherapy must have worked because he couldn’t find the lymphoma.

“And the doctor said, ‘What do you mean? He hasn’t started it yet.’ Sure enough, the lymphoma was gone,” Michael Lappin said.

The kidney cancer was in remission for about a dozen years when it metastasized. Still, Lappin stayed positive and threw himself into his charitable work.

“He never took himself too seriously even though he was dealing with a serious illness and was actually writing a journal about it, which now will have an abbreviated ending,” his wife said. “Whether he published it or not, it was with the hope it would lend some levity to someone else going through the same thing.”

Bill Appel, a close friend who went on several fund-raising trips to Israel with Lappin, said his quick wit and timing made him a popular choice to emcee events in the community.

“Part of it had to do with his involvement in the community and knowing so many people, and part of it had to do with his comedic timing,” Appel said.

Survivors include his wife, Muriel; four children, Michael, Laura, Kathy Konik and Gary; two stepchildren, Bradley Sax and Larry Chase Sax; and one sister and one brother.

Outsourcing is the only way I manage.  Because I simply cannot do it all and I do not want to.  That’s my secret to survival and sanity and I highly recommend it.  I’m not into the martyr thing.  I’d rather ask for help.

Many friends, colleagues, contemporaries look at me and exclaim “I don’t know how you do it.”  They’re talking about my husband’s constant and unpredictable travel schedule leaving me to tend to the home, the child and my work alone during the  week.  But the key is, he hasn’t left me to go it alone. As he and I both know how that would go and it wouldn’t be pretty.

So after two nights being up with croup and getting little, fitful sleep, I am happy to say the nanny is here early today.  I have no problem with the fact that I have a nanny.  She is not mommy.  The last two days certainly proved that.  She was there during the daytime, too, but the only one that mattered to my sick little one was me.  No guilt, no questioning if it’s the right thing, just an understanding that this is the childcare situation that works for us.

The other outsourcing I choose is housework.  Why?  Because it’s not my job alone.  And my partner in crime has his own bathroom to clean but just can’t manage to clean it and honestly just doesn’t want to.   Sorry June Cleaver, it’s not my job to pick up after him in his own space.

Why am I mentioning all this, because there is frequent debate about how women are the ones who work and still do the housework and the child rearing.  And I agree that is true to a point.  Unless of course you say, “sorry not my job” or “not my job alone.”  Because you do not have to go it alone.  Men are perfectly capable of cleaning, parenting & cooking.  They just don’t do it intuitively…it’s not something they think to do…unless you ask.

You see that discussion happened in stages in my family.  First came the house cleaner.  Once we went to a larger condo and more bathrooms, bedrooms, etc.  I declared cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting was not my job alone.  I already had a full-time job and I did not need more on my plate.  He grumbled that we didn’t need a house cleaner.  He said he’d help.  Every other week it would be his turn to clean.  And I said, “Great!” But it didn’t happen, he acknowledged he just wasn’t willing to do it, we hired a cleaner.

So it didn’t come as much of a surprise when I was pregnant that we would find a nanny.  Again we both worked and neither of us considered child rearing to be the sole responsibility of mom (except for some tasks like nursing which is exclusive to mom).  He has never questioned whether my income is enough to pay for the help.  Because it is a household expense.  We have a total combined income and out of that income there are bills to pay.  Whose income pays for what is moot.  So I also don’t buy in to the “I only work to pay childcare” debate.  It’s a household expense, you have a household income to pay those expenses, the end.

And I just don’t understand when I read the articles about how women “have” to do it all.  No we don’t.  Speak up.  Outsource.  Ask for help.  It just might be the best thing you can do for yourself, your marriage and your family.  And who knows if enough men end up doing more maybe like my husband they will simply admit that they don’t want to and then outsourcing household chores will make it into the benefits column at work.  A girl can dream.

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And as one who has never been taught how to manage, communicate with and forge relationships with household workers I am intrigued by this survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/MediationMama and a new service to help improve the relationship between household employers & workers.  Because goodness knows it is a different dynamic than the office world – some of these people spend more time in your house than you do and it becomes a more personal relationship that many have a hard time managing.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all.  May you struggle/juggle less today.  And may you appreciate all that you achieve each and every day more.

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And as for the mom-guilt crap…get over it!  I can assure you that tonight as I sit at Fenway Park at my first Red Sox game in far too long (vs. the Evil Empire!) I will be thinking neither of being a mom or being a worker-bee.  And I am so good with that!

So last weekend I’m at a very good friend’s house.  We are the same age with the same education level.  And the following fascinating line comes out of the mouth of my friend:

“Hey – so how great…you’ve got the nanny full-time but you’re not working…nice, huh?’

Now forget the fact that this business and blog takes up plenty of my time (but you know it’s a “mommy biz” – which it’s not!) and forget the consulting projects I do and get paid for…this friend of mine hasn’t pulled in a paycheck since last May.  He has been networking and meeting with people and having coffee and lunches to set up his next business deal/job.  But he isn’t what would traditionally be called “working” either.

So my response:

“Well you’re not really working either these days and you have a full-time nanny.”

His face showed his shock that I would even suggest that they get rid of the nanny while he’s doing his networking.  I mean after all his wife works out of the house.  Of course they would have a nanny.

The more things change….