So I get a little confused when people get upset at me for calling the condo my husband and I are buying our new deal.  It may not be romantic, but it is realistic.  In marriage deals are struck all the time – having kids vs. not having kids, living closer to his work or hers or splitting the difference, whose family gets Thanksgiving, whose gets Christmas.  A marriage is a series of negotiations and agreements.  That is reality.  Ours is no different.

Over the past year my husband and I have been re-negotiating.  We had a great deal.  We both worked, we both had great careers, we had a good income, we lived frugally, we traveled apart and then would come back together and enjoy each other.  It worked.  We didn’t see our home or each other a lot but we felt fulfilled.

And then we added something…a wonderful, bright, curious little one.  And everything changed.

I traveled less, I was home every night, I cooked dinners more regularly, I scheduled the household, I lost some of me.  While changes were more subtle for my husband, they were still there.  He couldn’t work out whenever he wanted.  If he had traveled during the week, his weekends were mostly family-time.  He lost touch with friends.  Needless to say we were both grumpy.  And neither felt any sort of balance.  We were always lamenting that which we weren’t doing instead of enjoying that which we were.

As I was lamenting my husband being a road warrior I stumbled upon our “dream home.”  I was not looking for it, but it is the perfect place for us for the next 10-15 years of our lives. And it was time to face up to my reality…my husband is a road warrior.  He has tried to change but the one time he did, it went disastrously, so he is hesitant to try again.  He also has a great job that he loves and thrives at.  I would love to have the career I used to, but to do so would mean asking a lot of him.  And while I’m not the ooey gooey mommy type it is important to me that our little one is raised by parents and that we are the ones that tuck her in most nights and soothe the aches, pains and bruises of life.

So after a year of soul searching, talking to each other, to counselors, to friends….we have struck a new deal.  And not everyone will get everything they want…right now.  But it’s a good deal.  I get the home that makes being a home body more appealing but forces us to live less frugally, he gets to stay on the road with an eye toward coming home earlier and more often and my little one will have mommy or daddy walk her to and from school, and she’s very excited to pick the colors for her new room & play area.  It’s a good deal and I’m taking it…until we become unbalanced again…and need to renegotiate.

What sort of deals do you make in your life to feel more balanced?

Since the movie The Bucket List – I’ve heard more and more people exclaim that something is on their bucket list.  Well I’m not waiting for retirement.  I’m making my list now and I’m checking it twice and early and often as the opportunity arises.

My thoughts on work are not to work really, really hard, almost exclusively, then get older, slow down and take time off.  I tend to think work is an ebb and flow.  Sometimes it’s busy…sometimes it’s not and sometimes maybe you’re even on the pavement.  I like to take advantage of the slow times and appreciate them, yes, appreciate them.  Hey the first time I got laid off – at the young old age of 31 – I did cartwheels down the TV station’s hallway.  After all our last day was to be the Friday before Memorial Day and suddenly I found myself with a summer free from the office and finally some closure on a process that had been festering for far too long in that workplace.  It was a positive experience and I’m sure you’ll think I’m odd but that’s now how I view work stoppages…as opportunities, although I’m apparently not alone.  Without work there is time…time to read more, to check out that restaurant at lunch that costs a fortune for dinner, to take my bike on the MBTA and ride to far flung beaches.   I could rehash my economic philosophy that allows for my carefree ways during work stoppages, but you can simply read it yourself.

So this summer as my economic policy takes over my work portion of life needs to have a temporary slow down.  You see come September I will not need full-time childcare.  My little one will be in school almost all day and my frugal ways will preclude me from paying someone full-time when I only need them a very limited amount…if at all.  So I embarked on a journey to find my nanny a part-time gig – so I could also keep her part-time.  And it worked better than I had hoped.  She’s happily starting with another family 3-days a week next week.  Which suddenly leaves me without childcare 23 hours a week that I had counted on previously.

It shouldn’t affect work too much…as I am able to work where, when & how I want.  But I will need to shift my thinking.  Some days now, I will work more post bed-time and less during the day.  And the luxury of running errands alone without a little one in tow will now to be a fond memory of my past.

Since this is wonderful, unexpected found time it’s time to make a list.  A list of what I want to experience with my little one over the last 6 weeks of summer.  The last summer we have between when babyhood officially ends and being a full-fledged school-age kid begins.  And a list of what she wants to experience with mommy.  And to check items off one by one…or to maybe just relish in the fact that we don’t have to do anything or go anywhere some days.  Just enjoy each other and our surroundings.

I know the grass always seems greener

I know you strive for more

and mostly

Stop and just relax…enjoy where you are at

That’s how I felt in graduate school as I talked to my fellow class-mates.  I didn’t take the traditional route and head to grad school full-time.  When I went I was working full-time, planning a wedding, and had family commitments.  And I was constantly amazed by the full-time 23-25 year olds around me.  They were lamenting how little time they had in their day and how they had a hard time getting their assignments in on time.  I was floored.  If I wanted to sleep I had just a few hours a day to work on school work.  It was the kind of tight schedule that makes you extremely efficient…as there was no extra time for friends, for parties, sometimes for family obligations.  But I was content with my work/life.  I did not feel overly stressed or harried by it.  They seemed stressed.

Fast forward to post-graduation.   While I was married at this time, my husband traveled often.  About 2 weeks a month he was away.  And for some of those years I was living in Salt Lake City while he was living in Boston…the life of a Double Income No Kids couple.    And I relate to the women in the article.  I was quite independent both financially and socially, but often alone.   And while I had a great work assignment that was exhilarating, and I had friends to keep me semi-busy, my life was not extremely remarkable or book-worthy.  Fortunately, I like me more than many of the people I’ve met during this life, but still I can remember feeling lonely and looking for more, a feeling of ennui.  The balance of my life was a bit off.

Now I’m a mom and I work and I have friends and I have extended family and a still-traveling husband and life can be crazy-busy.  Sometimes too busy, sometimes I feel a bit out of control with the pull of everyone/everything on my list.  And I wish I could reach back in time to those in grad. school and those in their 20′s & 30′s with their ennui and tell them…settle in…enjoy….it won’t be like this forever…and you will miss it when it’s gone.

Easier, of course, said than done, but perhaps that comes with age.

I’ve spent this long holiday weekend alone at  home, with no husband, no children and very little work to do for the first time in nearly 5 years.  I spent much of it with myself.  Enjoying the quiet, enjoying the ability to do what I want, when & if I want…or not.  Enjoying how unremarkable my life is at this time.

It has been great.  I feel very well-balanced right now.

And I have learned to appreciate exactly where I am.  I am very much looking forward to my family’s return today.  To jumping right back into my usual crazy life tomorrow with early morning Dr’s appts, play dates, work, and planning the next family trip to see Grandma.  I have learned to relish and embrace my current work/life, although stepping back in time was very, very lovely…temporarily.

Where are you in your work/life?  Content….crazy, busy….wanting more work….wanting more life?

One that allows me to work how and when I want to (including on Independence Day)!

Recently a few of my posts may have seemed like rants and raves against your personal behavior, Dear Worker.  And they were…but for good reason.  There is no reason for Corporation America to change its ways.  They have never in the past changed because it was good for employees.  They change if there is pain….like the strikes of the early 1900′s, a recession, a boycott, a federal regulation or a federal indictment.  That’s the history of Corporate America.  But there is one more way…make them feel the pain of hiring good people.  Instead of doing more, giving more time, sacrificing your health for their profits…start saying “hells to the no.”

I believe the revolution to change the world of work cannot be legislated…it needs to be felt….painfully, by those at the top.  And that pain comes from those of us at the bottom, in the middle and close to the top.  Once there is pain.  There will be change.  So stop feeling the pain and start doling it out…and maybe in a few years we can celebrate a different kind of Independence Day.

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Also take a moment today to thank those that make the festivities we are enjoying possible and those that keep us safe today.  I do each 4th of July and those I thank are both surprised and happy to be acknowledged.  So thank you to:

Boston Police
Massachusetts State Police
Massachusetts Dept. of Conservation & Recreation
The National Guard
Boston EMS
David Mugar & july4th.org committee
CBS & WBZ-TV peeps – I know you’re working hard today, thanks!
The Boston Pops orchestra
The Coast Guard

And my cousin Johnnie and all those with him over in Iraq & Afghanistan

What on earth am I talking about?  Well think about it.  You make sure your car is fueled up or it won’t run.  You even have specific instructions on what fuel it needs to run correctly and you know if you don’t pay attention there’ll be trouble down the road.  The same is true for oil changes – every 3,000ish like clockwork.  You wash the salt off in the winter, you wax it in the summer.  If the “check engine light” comes on, first you curse and then you get it checked out.  And finally if it is overheating…you stop!  You wouldn’t dream of doing something to jeopardize your car’s performance.

And yet we in the US consume the wrong fuel, a crap diet of chemicals & processed food.   We don’t take breaks. We get run down and yet we keep right on going no matter all the “check engine” warning signs we see and feel.  And most fascinatingly of all we don’t even stop to fuel up…we just keep right on going while fueling.

I’m suggesting if you’d like to correct some of your work/life strife take a lesson from your local gas station…shut engine off while refueling. Maybe join this “Take Back Your Lunch” movement or maybe just get up from your desk, go to a different location, buy or take out your lunch, sit and relax…treat yourself better than you treat you car…for a change.

1) I’m a mom and bedtime in my house is important.  I cannot listen to or be part of your talk show at bedtime.

2) I live in Boston…not (fill in the blank city/state).  Thanks so much for inviting me to your event tomorrow – but until teleportation is possible you know I cannot be there.

3) I’ve told you I’m off the road – no more business traveling.  I would love to speak at your conference…as soon as it comes to Boston.  (And you actually pay your speakers for their time!)

4) Nope I’m not interested in your political fundraiser, online learning course, how to network networking event, contest that is really a way to get my email address event, please stop inviting me to like, join or take part in it.

I think one of the reasons our work/life seems so cramped and uncontrolled in today’s world is due to the massive amounts of information and opportunities coming at us.  While being connected and having info readily available is helpful some believe the more choices we have the more stressful it is to choose.  And there may be something to that, but I just think it’s no fun to see all that you are missing out on.   Especially if it’s something that you were never going to be able to participate in anyway.  And as I pointed out above some of what comes our way is completely inappropriate.

For example in the past week I have been invited to 5 events.  None of which are anywhere near where I’ll be on the day of the event.  And the people who sent me the invitations know that.

I’m thrilled they are planning an event, I’d be happy to go if I were going to be within 20 miles of them – but in fact I’m a few thousand miles away because that’s where I live and work.

Perhaps it’s the former marketing manager in me, perhaps it’s that I value my network so much that I wouldn’t bother them unnecessarily with information that is not relevant to them, perhaps it’s that I’m getting old and cranky.  But seriously, why would you invite me to events you know I cannot attend?  If I’m coming to your neck of the woods and you are in my network – I’ll let you know – because I do truly want to see you if I am able with my work/life juggle.   It is one thing to announce something publicly and another to specifically spam the ones you “love.”  Please cut down on the irrelevant noise in my various inboxes, before I am forced to do it for you.

What about you?  Are you constantly being barraged with information and event invitations that are completely off the mark?  Does it increase your work/life struggle?

Think of how you can balance yourself with just 5 days spread out over 3 months:

• Catch up with friends
• Spend time with family (even travel to see family, hey it’s a long weekend – go for it!)
• Work on projects you’ve been putting off at home
• Hone a skill you’d like to be better at
• Pursue a hobby
• Volunteer
• Search for a new job (especially if you’re getting pressured to not take your vacation days!)
• Do absolutely nothing

And if you are someone who does not take your allotted days, but also complains about your work/life “balance” – sorry I’m no longer listening.

I’ll be taking my own advice so feel free to comment on this blog post but I probably will not see or approve your comment today.

Most of my leadership skills were learned, honed and perfected on fields of play in my hometown or at college. You see you start out young and green to the sport.   So you need to learn the ropes.  Your coach helps with that, but so do your team mates.  Eventually you find a mentor and hang out with them outside the game, hangout with them on the field, practice with them whenever you can and watch and learn. In a year or two you are one of the mentors and while you’ve still got one eye on your mentor, even if they’ve moved on to the next level of play, you’re now mentoring the young and green.  Finally you are part of the oldest and most experienced group on the team and with that comes being a captain (if you’re lucky, which I was a few times).    And with captain comes responsibility.  You are now not always the most popular player anymore because while you are helping your teammates by teaching them lessons…like it’s important to practice, you can’t lose your temper unnecessarily, it doesn’t matter if you like everyone on the team personally…it’s a team and we need to work together to win, if you don’t pull your weight you will be benched.  You know popular stuff like that.

So watching last night’s Celtics vs. Lakers game in the NBA finals brought me back to childhood.  It was a team effort and it was fun to watch the team look a bit more like the Celtics I grew up with in the 70′s & 80′s.  Here is what I learned:

“A” players won’t always get the job done - goodness knows they tried and hey they stayed in the game being down by only 2 at the half while shooting a mere 39% from the field.  But last night it was a good thing the bench was much deeper than just A players.  There is always so much talk at HR conferences about finding A talent – it’s not all you need you need bench players, too!

Don’t listen to the hype – all year Doc Rivers has been told that it’s not the Celtics year.  His response has been consistent.  He likes this team, he believes in this team and he thinks this team can go the distance (when healthy).  He might be the only one who actually believed that all year.  But he made sure his team did and still does.  And you know what his team is tied 2-2 in the NBA Finals!

Find fault in what can be controlled – not what can’t – Again and again last night he was asked by ESPN about the dismal shooting percentage of the Celtics in game 3 and in the beginning of game 4.  He talked about the need to move the ball and rebound more, but he also said that they were getting good shots that just weren’t falling.  And eventually those good shots would fall.  To have hammered his team about their shooting would have been self-defeating.  He was right.  It wasn’t their choice of shots, it was the basketball gods. So he just kept shoring them up with the fact that they were doing the right things and that eventually it would come together for them.

Trust your B & C players – So while the game was a close one, the A players just weren’t getting the job done.  At the start of the 4th quarter Rivers put 4 bench players on the floor with one starter – one of his most experienced, wisest and most level-headed stars.  And for the next 12 minutes they put on a show about heart, desire, hustle, fundamentals and solid play that dazzled we fans and befuddled the Lakers.   At one point Doc had the starters at the scorer’s table ready to come in, then the B players put together a great play.  He pulled them back and the bench stayed in  – until under 3 minutes left in the game.  The whole thing reminded me of the old Avis ads and tagline – “We try harder” – the bench did try harder than the Celtics or the Lakers starters.

It’s a team…make sure everyone understands that – There are a lot of young players in the NBA and a lot of spoiled brats – which can make for a headache for the coach.  Not last night.  The starters were smiling, cheering on, and encouraging the B team.  They even looked a bit relieved to have all that pressure off their shoulders.  And for the next 3 games, they now know they have someone else they can look to for help and they don’t have to do it all alone.  Putting too much stock in your A players may give them an ego you can’t control.  Be sure they understand they are part of a team and give credit to all who deserve it – not just your A team.

Finally, I heard the ESPN announcer say at one point last night after a Kobe Bryant 3-pointer that Kobe was essentially telling the team – no worries, get on my back, I’ll carry you.  That sort of mentality must be exhausting in basketball, at work and in life.  I don’t know about you but I would much rather have a team mentality.

Some in the recruiting sphere feel it’s important for recruiters to know more than just HR.  I agree.  I actual think recruiters and sales/marketing/pr have a whole lot in common.  I also happen to think that recruiters are at the forefront of understanding why the work world isn’t working for some high quality talent.  I believe they may be great catalysts to change corporate america.

So I keep talking and listening and fortunately people ask me to keep talking and listening…like last night on “Compassionate HR” on blog talk radio.  Margo Rose and I and Maureen Sharib talked work/life, HR, community and Sex and the City 2.  It was fun and informative as always I learned something and I hope the HR community and the work/life community did as well.

There have always been ways around the system…Tupperware, Mary Kay, Amway…but what I’m trying to do is change the system.  I want to change the way the work world works so that people can have outside interests and personal obligations and still work in corporate America.

I’m not judging…goodness knows I have my share of Silpada jewelry and Worth clothing – and love them!  It’s just not the kind of work I’m interested in.

• I want to navigate the corporate lattice going up, going sideways, maybe even going backwards.
• I want the next generation and the generation after that not to have to work 9 to 5, M-F if that doesn’t work for them, but still be able to work in the corporate environment.
• I want corporations to understand that with autonomy comes greater engagement and productivity

and I’m not really interested in stopping until we get there.

Yes, I’m tired…and my head hurts from bumping up against many a stone wall.  But I’m not interested in a work around.   I mean after all – we’ve been throwing Tupperware parties since 1948…it hasn’t changed the corporate world, it has just given them an out for we square pegs who don’t fit into their nice round holes so they do not have to deal with the realities of work/life.