Dealing with balance
July 27th, 2010 | by Leanne Chase
We all make deals in life. Whether it be less pay for more flexibility, whether it be postponing a “have to” do for a “want to” do, whether it be going to one family event so you can skip the next one. It’s life. And as life changes and grows and morphs the deals we have made may require some renegotiating. Because let’s face it what worked 10 years ago is likely not to work today and may not work tomorrow.
So I get a little confused when people get upset at me for calling the condo my husband and I are buying our new deal. It may not be romantic, but it is realistic. In marriage deals are struck all the time – having kids vs. not having kids, living closer to his work or hers or splitting the difference, whose family gets Thanksgiving, whose gets Christmas. A marriage is a series of negotiations and agreements. That is reality. Ours is no different.
Over the past year my husband and I have been re-negotiating. We had a great deal. We both worked, we both had great careers, we had a good income, we lived frugally, we traveled apart and then would come back together and enjoy each other. It worked. We didn’t see our home or each other a lot but we felt fulfilled.
And then we added something…a wonderful, bright, curious little one. And everything changed.
I traveled less, I was home every night, I cooked dinners more regularly, I scheduled the household, I lost some of me. While changes were more subtle for my husband, they were still there. He couldn’t work out whenever he wanted. If he had traveled during the week, his weekends were mostly family-time. He lost touch with friends. Needless to say we were both grumpy. And neither felt any sort of balance. We were always lamenting that which we weren’t doing instead of enjoying that which we were.
As I was lamenting my husband being a road warrior I stumbled upon our “dream home.” I was not looking for it, but it is the perfect place for us for the next 10-15 years of our lives. And it was time to face up to my reality…my husband is a road warrior. He has tried to change but the one time he did, it went disastrously, so he is hesitant to try again. He also has a great job that he loves and thrives at. I would love to have the career I used to, but to do so would mean asking a lot of him. And while I’m not the ooey gooey mommy type it is important to me that our little one is raised by parents and that we are the ones that tuck her in most nights and soothe the aches, pains and bruises of life.
So after a year of soul searching, talking to each other, to counselors, to friends….we have struck a new deal. And not everyone will get everything they want…right now. But it’s a good deal. I get the home that makes being a home body more appealing but forces us to live less frugally, he gets to stay on the road with an eye toward coming home earlier and more often and my little one will have mommy or daddy walk her to and from school, and she’s very excited to pick the colors for her new room & play area. It’s a good deal and I’m taking it…until we become unbalanced again…and need to renegotiate.
What sort of deals do you make in your life to feel more balanced?
4 Comments
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I applaud you for writing a very honest post. This is a topic (and a decision) that many career women don’t want to talk about. There’s a stigma amongst us that if you choose family over career, you’re somehow “bowing down to the man.”
The reality is women AND men have to make these kind of choices all the time. Children make us re-evaluate our desires and commitments, and that’s a good thing. If we all just went about our lives as if there was no child involved, it wouldn’t reflect well on parents.
My husband and I have talked about this and have come to an understanding already how both of our lives will change when we try to have a baby. I’m sure, even with that discussion, things will change more than we can imagine. But our goal is to hit balance in my life, even if it means making a sacrifice on our careers. We’re both happy with that decision.
Good for you for thinking it through now. And we do have a time frame in place where we will evaluate how we’re all doing with our deal, and if it needs tweaking – and if I need to get out of the house and into an office for my sanity
He completely understands that at some point it may be his turn to change his career in order for mine to flourish.
Leanne, thanks for sharing your deal. I’ve found that when I focus on my personal values it helps me figure out what the right deal is for me. As long as I’m staying aligned to my personal values, its a good deal. If the deal takes me way out of alignmnet – its not a good deal. Its sounds like your family value has moved up the priority list, and so you’ve made good deal. Congrats!