We all make deals in life.  Whether it be less pay for more flexibility, whether it be postponing a “have to” do for a “want to” do, whether it be going to one family event so you can skip the next one.  It’s life.  And as life changes and grows and morphs the deals we have made may require some renegotiating.  Because let’s face it what worked 10 years ago is likely not to work today and may not work tomorrow.

So I get a little confused when people get upset at me for calling the condo my husband and I are buying our new deal.  It may not be romantic, but it is realistic.  In marriage deals are struck all the time – having kids vs. not having kids, living closer to his work or hers or splitting the difference, whose family gets Thanksgiving, whose gets Christmas.  A marriage is a series of negotiations and agreements.  That is reality.  Ours is no different.

Over the past year my husband and I have been re-negotiating.  We had a great deal.  We both worked, we both had great careers, we had a good income, we lived frugally, we traveled apart and then would come back together and enjoy each other.  It worked.  We didn’t see our home or each other a lot but we felt fulfilled.

And then we added something…a wonderful, bright, curious little one.  And everything changed.

I traveled less, I was home every night, I cooked dinners more regularly, I scheduled the household, I lost some of me.  While changes were more subtle for my husband, they were still there.  He couldn’t work out whenever he wanted.  If he had traveled during the week, his weekends were mostly family-time.  He lost touch with friends.  Needless to say we were both grumpy.  And neither felt any sort of balance.  We were always lamenting that which we weren’t doing instead of enjoying that which we were.

As I was lamenting my husband being a road warrior I stumbled upon our “dream home.”  I was not looking for it, but it is the perfect place for us for the next 10-15 years of our lives. And it was time to face up to my reality…my husband is a road warrior.  He has tried to change but the one time he did, it went disastrously, so he is hesitant to try again.  He also has a great job that he loves and thrives at.  I would love to have the career I used to, but to do so would mean asking a lot of him.  And while I’m not the ooey gooey mommy type it is important to me that our little one is raised by parents and that we are the ones that tuck her in most nights and soothe the aches, pains and bruises of life.

So after a year of soul searching, talking to each other, to counselors, to friends….we have struck a new deal.  And not everyone will get everything they want…right now.  But it’s a good deal.  I get the home that makes being a home body more appealing but forces us to live less frugally, he gets to stay on the road with an eye toward coming home earlier and more often and my little one will have mommy or daddy walk her to and from school, and she’s very excited to pick the colors for her new room & play area.  It’s a good deal and I’m taking it…until we become unbalanced again…and need to renegotiate.

What sort of deals do you make in your life to feel more balanced?

Since the movie The Bucket List – I’ve heard more and more people exclaim that something is on their bucket list.  Well I’m not waiting for retirement.  I’m making my list now and I’m checking it twice and early and often as the opportunity arises.

My thoughts on work are not to work really, really hard, almost exclusively, then get older, slow down and take time off.  I tend to think work is an ebb and flow.  Sometimes it’s busy…sometimes it’s not and sometimes maybe you’re even on the pavement.  I like to take advantage of the slow times and appreciate them, yes, appreciate them.  Hey the first time I got laid off – at the young old age of 31 – I did cartwheels down the TV station’s hallway.  After all our last day was to be the Friday before Memorial Day and suddenly I found myself with a summer free from the office and finally some closure on a process that had been festering for far too long in that workplace.  It was a positive experience and I’m sure you’ll think I’m odd but that’s now how I view work stoppages…as opportunities, although I’m apparently not alone.  Without work there is time…time to read more, to check out that restaurant at lunch that costs a fortune for dinner, to take my bike on the MBTA and ride to far flung beaches.   I could rehash my economic philosophy that allows for my carefree ways during work stoppages, but you can simply read it yourself.

So this summer as my economic policy takes over my work portion of life needs to have a temporary slow down.  You see come September I will not need full-time childcare.  My little one will be in school almost all day and my frugal ways will preclude me from paying someone full-time when I only need them a very limited amount…if at all.  So I embarked on a journey to find my nanny a part-time gig – so I could also keep her part-time.  And it worked better than I had hoped.  She’s happily starting with another family 3-days a week next week.  Which suddenly leaves me without childcare 23 hours a week that I had counted on previously.

It shouldn’t affect work too much…as I am able to work where, when & how I want.  But I will need to shift my thinking.  Some days now, I will work more post bed-time and less during the day.  And the luxury of running errands alone without a little one in tow will now to be a fond memory of my past.

Since this is wonderful, unexpected found time it’s time to make a list.  A list of what I want to experience with my little one over the last 6 weeks of summer.  The last summer we have between when babyhood officially ends and being a full-fledged school-age kid begins.  And a list of what she wants to experience with mommy.  And to check items off one by one…or to maybe just relish in the fact that we don’t have to do anything or go anywhere some days.  Just enjoy each other and our surroundings.

Two nights ago my little one and I were reading bedtime stories and she said “Anyhow, Mommmy, what the Hell is that?”  And I did just what most Moms I know do.  I said “Oh, honey we don’t use that word…it’s not a nice word.”  Now clearly we do use that word or she would not have.  After all kids are great at imitating what they see at home.  She then asked, “Why is it a bad word?”  And honestly I could not come up with an answer to that.

I’ve never been one for organized religion and I never really bought in to the whole Heaven and Hell concept.  I’m more of a John Lennon “Imagine” kind of thinker:  “…no Hell below us, above us only sky.”  And if you were on social media last week you would have seen this venn diagram and this chart to provide some fun entertainment.

I believe more in Karma…you reap what you sow.  If you are not nice to people and treat them poorly – sooner or later you will do so to the wrong person or to too many people and bam…Karma will get you.  That I think is a better lesson to teach than that Hell is a bad word…and a lesson that perhaps should have been taught to more C-levels and managers in the workplace.

You see in good times & bad companies have increased CEO pay, increased profits, while decreasing raises and benefits…but there was one thing they did increase…everyone’s workload.  They are thrilled the recession has come along as it makes good sense to act this way, now.  But as some reports by SHRM and by The Conference Board have indicated, this behavior started long before the recession.  The recession has just kept workers from reacting to it.  We’re starting to see some action on this front. And I, for one, am curious to see where it all will come out, after all you catch more (fire) flies with honey than vinegar.

I’m betting on Karma.  To hell with Hell.

I will never forget an experience I had while living in Utah.  For some reason a ski mountain was giving away a day free to residents – I think it was before the Olympics and they were showing off the venue ahead of the games.  Whatever the reason there was a coupon, you printed it out and you presented it at the ticket window.  As my husband and I like to ski, we partook.  When we got to the mountain there was 1 very long line.  I got in line while he took the coupons to see if we were in the right place.  Well we were and we weren’t.  There were 7 ticket windows…7!  And 3 of them were around the corner from the line with workers at the ready.  What happened was people just lined up behind the person in front of them without asking any questions…total sheep.

Now could the mountain have done a better job directing people that day?  Sure.  But could the people have done a better job taking responsibility for themselves?  Oh my goodness, yes!

And I think this may be why Human Resources departments and I don’t get along.  I am not and never have been a sheep.  And HR is often put in the position to enforce rules that I simply don’t get…like:

The workday ends at 5p:  At one company I worked for the HR guy would patrol the door between 4 and 5 and would call you out if you tried to leave before 5.  There was no consideration of whether your work for the day was done, no consideration of what you may have going on personally, there was just a rule.  I skirted it by taking long lunches on slow days to attend to personal needs…he didn’t patrol the door at the lunch hour.

Work is during the day…part-time school is at night:  Nope – I went to a graduate school that did not have part-time options.  So there were 1-4p classes and I was in them.  I bypassed HR and made a deal with my manager.  We’d go over my schedule each semester and we’d arrange for it to work.  Now the most befuddling thing about this one is that my employer who was making the rules…was also the graduate school I was attending and a benefit they they used to attract talent was tuition reimbursement!  The part of the University I worked for was very far removed from the actual day-to-day of University life, but still, how could I take advantage of the tuition benefit if I couldn’t complete a degree at night?!  Not to mention, by completing it at their school – the benefit money went right back in their pockets…befuddling.

New hires get 2-weeks vacation…unless they are upper management:  Ummm….no.  The person trying to hire me and my 15 years of experience understood why this was a ridiculous rule.  She went to HR – their hands were tied.  Hers were not.  Our deal was that I took as much vacation as needed.  We just didn’t always fill out the paperwork correctly for HR.  Now of course this can bite you if your manager leaves, and that happened here.  I had 5 managers in 3 years.  But I managed to work around the rule with all of them – as I made myself more valuable to them, than they were to me.

You can’t work part-time and also telecommute 1 day – Except I did…for 2 years…very successfully, until my employer tightened their grip on telecommuters because 1 of the many behaved badly.  Instead of firing that 1 individual, they took telecommuting off the table.  (Even though the CEO telecommuted from another country!) I took my skills off the table and moved on with my career.

And apparently being a sheep can get you killed crossing the street.  Which makes Bostonians who jaywalk constantly feel like geniuses.  Okay, we may not be geniuses but we are definitely not sheep.  Here’s hoping HR can learn how to stave off herd mentality and if not here’s hoping workers teach them how it’s done.

I’ve been following the build up, the actual convention and the aftermath of the Society of Human Resources Management’s (SHRM) recent annual convention.  I’m a skeptic.  You see a professional association that makes its money on certifying practitioners so they are well equipped to prevent lawsuits and fines for those that hire them, but does not teach the skills to actually help solve HR problems in the workplace is not exactly my cup of tea.  SHRM is not known for being cutting edge or out-of-the-box thinkers.  But this year some of the usual naysayers were not naysaying as much.  So I got a little sucked in.

Forget that China Gorman, a great listener and thinker had recently left her COO post.  Forget the fact that I don’t believe any convention can serve the needs of 11,000 people well.  Forget the fact that I just don’t get why SHRM exists – except to dole out PHR (Professional in Human Resources) and SPHR (yep – you guessed it, Senior Professional in Human Resources) certifications.  I  forgot all those facts and got sucked in by the Monster crew, the SHRM blogging group, SHRM’s new Social Media guy and my friends in the biz who attended and tweeted and blogged and vlogged from the conference.  Until…

This tweet:

@SHRM Check out the new #SHRM10 blog posts on Lebron James and celebrity approach to the worklife balance http://annual.shrm.org/blog

Seriously?!  SHRM’s having an actual conversation about work/life and blogging about it…excellent.  Cali Yost has been trying to get them to focus on and be advocates for work/life change in the corporate sphere for years.  And after last year’s SHRM conference where Jack Welch told the audience “There is no such thing as work/life balance” (for women) perhaps they learned a thing or two.

OR NOT.

I clicked the link, then I started watching the videos.  And I was stunned.   As I’m not sure what celebrities are supposed to teach us about work/life realities.  Maybe SHRM was trying for the US Magazine slant “Celebrities they’re just like us?”  Yeah, right!

• They have more people to do things than most can dream of.  Have a meeting but your kid gets sick at school?   They’ve got people.  Family coming to town and you need to clean your house & pick them up from the airport & put in a full day’s work?  They’ve got people.

• Celebrities don’t report to HR or a manager so they won’t lose their job by saying “no” to mandatory overtime on the day they need to show up in person to sign their kids up for school.

• They get paid a lot when they get paid…nope, they don’t have paid sick days…but I’m guessing it’s not a problem…they can just reschedule that show for a later date.  After all the promoter already has their fans money and has been holding it for a number of months.

• They don’t work like most of us…regularly. They have spurts where they are super busy and then long stretches where they have down time.  It’s not a M-F 9 to 5 existence – which is part of why real work/life is such a struggle.  Those are the only hours to do things like go to the Dr, have the cable company come in, see a plumber without a weekend rate surcharge.  Oh and did I mention…these people have people to help with all that!

Dear SHRM, you just had 11,000 actual hard-working professionals in one place.  Some of them have childcare issues, some have elder care issues, some have passions for art, music, etc., some just want more time for themselves.  And they gathered in San Diego – having to arrange to be away from their responsibilities during the week of your conference.  They are juggling meetings virtually, checking in with babysitters, leaving lists for their spouses and co-workers to take on extra duties.  Why on earth did you not interview them?!  Then perhaps there could have had a real discussion about work/life with HR professionals from a personal and a professional perspective.   We may have even learned a few tips & tricks that we all could benefit from.

Truly SHRM, I am once again befuddled.  For two years running your conference has had a work/life angle…just not a very  insightful or useful one.

I’m not shy…I give my opinion…early and often.  And it never surprises me when someone younger is amazed that I would choose not to change places with them.  I have no desire to head back to my 20′s or my 30′s.  I remember them well…but those younger don’t know what they don’t know and they cannot possible understand why I feel as I do.  And as I read this article about women in their 20′s & 30′s recently, I thought, yep…I remember the day.  And as many other times in my life I wanted to reach out to those talked about in the article and tell them:

I know the grass always seems greener

I know you strive for more

and mostly

Stop and just relax…enjoy where you are at

That’s how I felt in graduate school as I talked to my fellow class-mates.  I didn’t take the traditional route and head to grad school full-time.  When I went I was working full-time, planning a wedding, and had family commitments.  And I was constantly amazed by the full-time 23-25 year olds around me.  They were lamenting how little time they had in their day and how they had a hard time getting their assignments in on time.  I was floored.  If I wanted to sleep I had just a few hours a day to work on school work.  It was the kind of tight schedule that makes you extremely efficient…as there was no extra time for friends, for parties, sometimes for family obligations.  But I was content with my work/life.  I did not feel overly stressed or harried by it.  They seemed stressed.

Fast forward to post-graduation.   While I was married at this time, my husband traveled often.  About 2 weeks a month he was away.  And for some of those years I was living in Salt Lake City while he was living in Boston…the life of a Double Income No Kids couple.    And I relate to the women in the article.  I was quite independent both financially and socially, but often alone.   And while I had a great work assignment that was exhilarating, and I had friends to keep me semi-busy, my life was not extremely remarkable or book-worthy.  Fortunately, I like me more than many of the people I’ve met during this life, but still I can remember feeling lonely and looking for more, a feeling of ennui.  The balance of my life was a bit off.

Now I’m a mom and I work and I have friends and I have extended family and a still-traveling husband and life can be crazy-busy.  Sometimes too busy, sometimes I feel a bit out of control with the pull of everyone/everything on my list.  And I wish I could reach back in time to those in grad. school and those in their 20′s & 30′s with their ennui and tell them…settle in…enjoy….it won’t be like this forever…and you will miss it when it’s gone.

Easier, of course, said than done, but perhaps that comes with age.

I’ve spent this long holiday weekend alone at  home, with no husband, no children and very little work to do for the first time in nearly 5 years.  I spent much of it with myself.  Enjoying the quiet, enjoying the ability to do what I want, when & if I want…or not.  Enjoying how unremarkable my life is at this time.

It has been great.  I feel very well-balanced right now.

And I have learned to appreciate exactly where I am.  I am very much looking forward to my family’s return today.  To jumping right back into my usual crazy life tomorrow with early morning Dr’s appts, play dates, work, and planning the next family trip to see Grandma.  I have learned to relish and embrace my current work/life, although stepping back in time was very, very lovely…temporarily.

Where are you in your work/life?  Content….crazy, busy….wanting more work….wanting more life?

Today is Independence Day or as it’s best known – 4th of July.  And while we are BBQing, beaching, boating, exploding things and pondering how our forefathers threw off the oppressive yoke of the British Empire, I’m thinking of a different kind of independence.

One that allows me to work how and when I want to (including on Independence Day)!

Recently a few of my posts may have seemed like rants and raves against your personal behavior, Dear Worker.  And they were…but for good reason.  There is no reason for Corporation America to change its ways.  They have never in the past changed because it was good for employees.  They change if there is pain….like the strikes of the early 1900′s, a recession, a boycott, a federal regulation or a federal indictment.  That’s the history of Corporate America.  But there is one more way…make them feel the pain of hiring good people.  Instead of doing more, giving more time, sacrificing your health for their profits…start saying “hells to the no.”

I believe the revolution to change the world of work cannot be legislated…it needs to be felt….painfully, by those at the top.  And that pain comes from those of us at the bottom, in the middle and close to the top.  Once there is pain.  There will be change.  So stop feeling the pain and start doling it out…and maybe in a few years we can celebrate a different kind of Independence Day.

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Also take a moment today to thank those that make the festivities we are enjoying possible and those that keep us safe today.  I do each 4th of July and those I thank are both surprised and happy to be acknowledged.  So thank you to:

Boston Police
Massachusetts State Police
Massachusetts Dept. of Conservation & Recreation
The National Guard
Boston EMS
David Mugar & july4th.org committee
CBS & WBZ-TV peeps – I know you’re working hard today, thanks!
The Boston Pops orchestra
The Coast Guard

And my cousin Johnnie and all those with him over in Iraq & Afghanistan