You should treat yourself better than you treat your car.  I’m going to say that again…you should treat yourself better than you treat you car!

What on earth am I talking about?  Well think about it.  You make sure your car is fueled up or it won’t run.  You even have specific instructions on what fuel it needs to run correctly and you know if you don’t pay attention there’ll be trouble down the road.  The same is true for oil changes – every 3,000ish like clockwork.  You wash the salt off in the winter, you wax it in the summer.  If the “check engine light” comes on, first you curse and then you get it checked out.  And finally if it is overheating…you stop!  You wouldn’t dream of doing something to jeopardize your car’s performance.

And yet we in the US consume the wrong fuel, a crap diet of chemicals & processed food.   We don’t take breaks. We get run down and yet we keep right on going no matter all the “check engine” warning signs we see and feel.  And most fascinatingly of all we don’t even stop to fuel up…we just keep right on going while fueling.

I’m suggesting if you’d like to correct some of your work/life strife take a lesson from your local gas station…shut engine off while refueling. Maybe join this “Take Back Your Lunch” movement or maybe just get up from your desk, go to a different location, buy or take out your lunch, sit and relax…treat yourself better than you treat you car…for a change.

If you’re looking for a job or marketing your company/product or building your brand you are advised to “use your network.” And I agree, absolutely.  But I also think you need to actually know your network and understand what they can and are willing to do to help you.  It seems these days there are many people who want to network with me and my company but they haven’t taken the time to get to know me.  If they had they would know that:

1) I’m a mom and bedtime in my house is important.  I cannot listen to or be part of your talk show at bedtime.

2) I live in Boston…not (fill in the blank city/state).  Thanks so much for inviting me to your event tomorrow – but until teleportation is possible you know I cannot be there.

3) I’ve told you I’m off the road – no more business traveling.  I would love to speak at your conference…as soon as it comes to Boston.  (And you actually pay your speakers for their time!)

4) Nope I’m not interested in your political fundraiser, online learning course, how to network networking event, contest that is really a way to get my email address event, please stop inviting me to like, join or take part in it.

I think one of the reasons our work/life seems so cramped and uncontrolled in today’s world is due to the massive amounts of information and opportunities coming at us.  While being connected and having info readily available is helpful some believe the more choices we have the more stressful it is to choose.  And there may be something to that, but I just think it’s no fun to see all that you are missing out on.   Especially if it’s something that you were never going to be able to participate in anyway.  And as I pointed out above some of what comes our way is completely inappropriate.

For example in the past week I have been invited to 5 events.  None of which are anywhere near where I’ll be on the day of the event.  And the people who sent me the invitations know that.

I’m thrilled they are planning an event, I’d be happy to go if I were going to be within 20 miles of them – but in fact I’m a few thousand miles away because that’s where I live and work.

Perhaps it’s the former marketing manager in me, perhaps it’s that I value my network so much that I wouldn’t bother them unnecessarily with information that is not relevant to them, perhaps it’s that I’m getting old and cranky.  But seriously, why would you invite me to events you know I cannot attend?  If I’m coming to your neck of the woods and you are in my network – I’ll let you know – because I do truly want to see you if I am able with my work/life juggle.   It is one thing to announce something publicly and another to specifically spam the ones you “love.”  Please cut down on the irrelevant noise in my various inboxes, before I am forced to do it for you.

What about you?  Are you constantly being barraged with information and event invitations that are completely off the mark?  Does it increase your work/life struggle?

Americans aren’t very good at taking time off even when they have plenty of it.  Yet it has been proven over and over that time off is good for you, your productivity at work and your family.  So this summer I’m issuing a challenge to all of you who say you want to struggle/juggle less.  Take your days!  Maybe not all of them, or all at once, but how about every other Friday…that’s 5 or 6 days.

Think of how you can balance yourself with just 5 days spread out over 3 months:

• Catch up with friends
• Spend time with family (even travel to see family, hey it’s a long weekend – go for it!)
• Work on projects you’ve been putting off at home
• Hone a skill you’d like to be better at
• Pursue a hobby
• Volunteer
• Search for a new job (especially if you’re getting pressured to not take your vacation days!)
• Do absolutely nothing

And if you are someone who does not take your allotted days, but also complains about your work/life “balance” – sorry I’m no longer listening.

I’ll be taking my own advice so feel free to comment on this blog post but I probably will not see or approve your comment today.

I know many of us moms feel like our husbands aren’t quite always pulling enough weight around the house.  In fact, I think many husbands even understand and secretly acknowledge this.  But let’s celebrate how far we’ve come…

When I was a kid Father’s day included a tie, a wallet, a badly crafted ashtray from school or some present of that nature.  Then Dad hung out in the den to watch sports or headed to the golf course.  Today’s Dad is different.  My husband and most of my friends husband’s see Father’s Day as a day to ensure they spend quality time with their kids.  This can be seen through some of the gifts my friends kids will be giving their Dads on Sunday:

This is not your father’s Father’s day.  This is a new era. One where Dads find bringing up the kids to be satisfying, enjoyable and part of their jobs.  More evidence of the modern Dad emerge in the Boston College Center for Work & Family’s new study “The New Dad:  Exploring Fatherhood Within a Career Context.”  Like other studies this one highlights the changing demographics of our society:  more women are in the workforce, more women are getting advanced degrees, the rise of the dual career family.  But instead of studying it from a woman’s point of view, this study looks at if from a man’s point of view.  And it points out that more of these men are now feeling work/life conflict than their partners (men = 58% women = 45%).  And these guys are working on it.  In their own words this study explores:

When my first child was born, I was working at the law firm and there’s always an aspiration of becoming partner and the expectation of having to bring in the business, do a lot of travel…With my new job and the second child, if I was never to advance a whole lot career wise, I’d be happy because the work is good, the money is good and you know, the family is happy.” [Matt, age 37]

And I have some of my own evidence.  Recently as my extended family was gathered together for a long weekend I learned about two Dads who made interesting career decisions.  Ones that I’m sure our Fathers’ generation would find befuddling.

Dad #1 – was out of work last year and recently got some contract work at a company he had worked for previously.  He loves the work, he does a great job, but it is uncertain as it’s contract work.  After a few months the company asks Dad #1 to come on full-time.  They are thrilled with his work and want him to join them.  While he is honored and his financial life would be rosier with the job, he refuses.  It’s not the work, it’s the company culture.  He’s worked there before, he’s seen those he works with now have conflict, it’s not a very family-friendly place.  So Dad #1 explains that he’s flattered but he’d much rather continue with the arrangement they currently have.  What he doesn’t say is that he likes being home for dinner with his family, attending events his kids are part of both during the work day and after, and he even was able to drive my family to the airport and say goodbye to us during the work day.  (Thanks!)

Dad #2 – Is a consultant for a company.  He has completed a recent project and now the company wants him to replicate that project in many cities.  He’s all for it.  In February he tells the company he’s ready to get started…he urges them to move forward.  They hold meetings, they delay and now it’s June.  They’re ready for him.  He reminds them what he told them when he took the consulting gig – June-August are a travel-free zone for him.  That is when his kids are out of school for the summer and free of sports and extra-curricular activities.  He wants to maximize his time with them and their backyard pool.  He’s sorry but if they want to do this project right now…they’ve got the wrong guy.  If they can hold off until September he’d be happy to help out.

And finally an example on how Dad’s are changed from today.  My husband is still the primary breadwinner so it is understood that I take on more of the childcare duties.  That is our dual-career family agreement.  This morning he is on deadline.  So I did what needed doing: getting our little one up, dressed and off to school.  When I returned from doing so he thanked me.  I’m pretty sure I never heard my Dad thank my Mom for getting us up and off to school!  It’s a new era for Dads and work/life that I’m thrilled to celebrate this weekend.

How about you?  Do you see changes in the way Dads are dads or the way they too struggle/juggle it all?

One of the unintended consequences of this blog is that people seek me out for advice.  Now, I’m not shy and I’m happy to tell you what I think…but at the same time, I just didn’t expect that.  And if people were seeking advice from me I would expect it to be in the work/life sphere.  How to get more flexibility at work, how to get more hands to help out at home, what is workplace flexibility and how can my company implement it.  And while that is the majority.  There is a strong minority, too…of job seekers.  Looking to learn how to do this whole job search thing in 2010.

For some of them it’s been a long time since they searched for a job, 20 years or more.  They were under the impression that work would always be there, because it always had been.  In many ways they are teaching me something.  After all I’ve had 7 jobs in 20 years partly due to the uncertain nature of the industry I used to be in and partly due to the fact that I enjoy change.  So to think of working for 1 or 2 companies in twenty-thirty years is a bit befuddling to me.  Almost as befuddling as how to handle being laid off is to the group of job seekers that ask advice from me.  Fortunately for them, I have a great network of people I know.  And one of that network is Paul Geffen, who found himself in their shoes just over 1 year ago.  For the first time in his adult life he was not working…and his journey over the past year is helpful to learn from.

Here is the gist:

Get started - some people just need a bit of a nudge to start.  Or a sympathetic ear.  And understand if you start and are unhappy, adjust your approach, change something and you just might find your niche.

Network, network, network - and while you want that network to be made up of people from your industry, cast a wider net, you’ll get a richer experience.

Know your story - of course you know your story but can you communicate it well.  I’m not a fan of the word “pitch” because for me networking is more about getting to know someone and having a conversation with them about mutual topics, not “pitching” them per se.  But I know Paul and he is a great networker as well – he’s not always pitching…he’s often listening and honing what he will say so when that right person comes along – he’s ready for them.

Keep busy – it may not be making you money, but keeping busy will keep you networking, could help build your skill sets and even bring you to new skill sets.  Paul did not do community building in his last gig…but he’s gotten pretty good at it and might even want to pursue it for his next gig.

Be ready to be surprised – whether it’s that you are enjoying your freedom more than you thought or than you feel you should admit, or it’s that you actually may no longer need that income as much as you thought or you didn’t really enjoy what your were doing anyway, you’d rather try something else.  Being unemployed is a journey.  Don’t script it.  Be ready to take what comes and investigate new opportunities and skills which just may take you somewhere wonderful.

Now of course you need to update your resume and have that ready and you need to talk to friends and colleagues and let them know that you are looking and what you are looking for, but the above tips will help you weather the storm.  And maybe even learn something about more flexibility at home and at work.  Paul certainly has.

I’m sure many of you who also follow me on twitter and have friended me on Facebook are now sick of my “Let’s Go Celtics” mentality and rants.  But I’m a rabid Boston fan and always have been…so sorry, that’s not going to stop.  Besides while sports aren’t the most important thing in life (unless the Red Sox are in the World Series or the Celtics in the Championship) they do teach important lessons.

Most of my leadership skills were learned, honed and perfected on fields of play in my hometown or at college. You see you start out young and green to the sport.   So you need to learn the ropes.  Your coach helps with that, but so do your team mates.  Eventually you find a mentor and hang out with them outside the game, hangout with them on the field, practice with them whenever you can and watch and learn. In a year or two you are one of the mentors and while you’ve still got one eye on your mentor, even if they’ve moved on to the next level of play, you’re now mentoring the young and green.  Finally you are part of the oldest and most experienced group on the team and with that comes being a captain (if you’re lucky, which I was a few times).    And with captain comes responsibility.  You are now not always the most popular player anymore because while you are helping your teammates by teaching them lessons…like it’s important to practice, you can’t lose your temper unnecessarily, it doesn’t matter if you like everyone on the team personally…it’s a team and we need to work together to win, if you don’t pull your weight you will be benched.  You know popular stuff like that.

So watching last night’s Celtics vs. Lakers game in the NBA finals brought me back to childhood.  It was a team effort and it was fun to watch the team look a bit more like the Celtics I grew up with in the 70′s & 80′s.  Here is what I learned:

“A” players won’t always get the job done - goodness knows they tried and hey they stayed in the game being down by only 2 at the half while shooting a mere 39% from the field.  But last night it was a good thing the bench was much deeper than just A players.  There is always so much talk at HR conferences about finding A talent – it’s not all you need you need bench players, too!

Don’t listen to the hype – all year Doc Rivers has been told that it’s not the Celtics year.  His response has been consistent.  He likes this team, he believes in this team and he thinks this team can go the distance (when healthy).  He might be the only one who actually believed that all year.  But he made sure his team did and still does.  And you know what his team is tied 2-2 in the NBA Finals!

Find fault in what can be controlled – not what can’t – Again and again last night he was asked by ESPN about the dismal shooting percentage of the Celtics in game 3 and in the beginning of game 4.  He talked about the need to move the ball and rebound more, but he also said that they were getting good shots that just weren’t falling.  And eventually those good shots would fall.  To have hammered his team about their shooting would have been self-defeating.  He was right.  It wasn’t their choice of shots, it was the basketball gods. So he just kept shoring them up with the fact that they were doing the right things and that eventually it would come together for them.

Trust your B & C players – So while the game was a close one, the A players just weren’t getting the job done.  At the start of the 4th quarter Rivers put 4 bench players on the floor with one starter – one of his most experienced, wisest and most level-headed stars.  And for the next 12 minutes they put on a show about heart, desire, hustle, fundamentals and solid play that dazzled we fans and befuddled the Lakers.   At one point Doc had the starters at the scorer’s table ready to come in, then the B players put together a great play.  He pulled them back and the bench stayed in  – until under 3 minutes left in the game.  The whole thing reminded me of the old Avis ads and tagline – “We try harder” – the bench did try harder than the Celtics or the Lakers starters.

It’s a team…make sure everyone understands that – There are a lot of young players in the NBA and a lot of spoiled brats – which can make for a headache for the coach.  Not last night.  The starters were smiling, cheering on, and encouraging the B team.  They even looked a bit relieved to have all that pressure off their shoulders.  And for the next 3 games, they now know they have someone else they can look to for help and they don’t have to do it all alone.  Putting too much stock in your A players may give them an ego you can’t control.  Be sure they understand they are part of a team and give credit to all who deserve it – not just your A team.

Finally, I heard the ESPN announcer say at one point last night after a Kobe Bryant 3-pointer that Kobe was essentially telling the team – no worries, get on my back, I’ll carry you.  That sort of mentality must be exhausting in basketball, at work and in life.  I don’t know about you but I would much rather have a team mentality.

I’ve been working in the recruiting world since 2004 now which I guess means I have some credibility here.  I am not a recruiter – either a third party one, or one that works in a corporate HR dept.  Instead I market to them, talk to them, listen to them, and learn from them.  And it is with great pride that I can say, they seek me out to also learn from me. You see while they are an open and friendly group, they also often talk more to each other than outsiders.

Some in the recruiting sphere feel it’s important for recruiters to know more than just HR.  I agree.  I actual think recruiters and sales/marketing/pr have a whole lot in common.  I also happen to think that recruiters are at the forefront of understanding why the work world isn’t working for some high quality talent.  I believe they may be great catalysts to change corporate america.

So I keep talking and listening and fortunately people ask me to keep talking and listening…like last night on “Compassionate HR” on blog talk radio.  Margo Rose and I and Maureen Sharib talked work/life, HR, community and Sex and the City 2.  It was fun and informative as always I learned something and I hope the HR community and the work/life community did as well.

I was recently solicited with another at home business opportunity.  I get them a lot, which is understandable considering I run this site.  And while it’s an interesting concept as are so many other opportunities like this, it’s just not what I’m about.

There have always been ways around the system…Tupperware, Mary Kay, Amway…but what I’m trying to do is change the system.  I want to change the way the work world works so that people can have outside interests and personal obligations and still work in corporate America.

I’m not judging…goodness knows I have my share of Silpada jewelry and Worth clothing – and love them!  It’s just not the kind of work I’m interested in.

• I want to navigate the corporate lattice going up, going sideways, maybe even going backwards.
• I want the next generation and the generation after that not to have to work 9 to 5, M-F if that doesn’t work for them, but still be able to work in the corporate environment.
• I want corporations to understand that with autonomy comes greater engagement and productivity

and I’m not really interested in stopping until we get there.

Yes, I’m tired…and my head hurts from bumping up against many a stone wall.  But I’m not interested in a work around.   I mean after all – we’ve been throwing Tupperware parties since 1948…it hasn’t changed the corporate world, it has just given them an out for we square pegs who don’t fit into their nice round holes so they do not have to deal with the realities of work/life.

Yesterday I was in need of some good old escapism.  So I went to the movies.  As I perused the internet checking on movie times I debated.  I had peripherally seen bits and pieces of reviews for “Sex and the City 2″ and according to these opinions I would be failing women and Muslims if I went to see this movie. So I considered alternatives.  But when I got to the theater I went with my gut.  I really wanted to escape…and it seemed “Letters to Juliette” would be heavier than I was up for.  And “Robin Hood’s” timing was a bit off…and really I wanted to see SATC2.  And I’m glad I did.

Perhaps it’s because I am Carrie Bradshaw’s age.  Perhaps it’s because I live in a city on the East Coast and flirt part-time with living in New York. Perhaps it’s because I am actually as selfish and narcisstic as the reviews suggest I must be, but I identified with it and enjoyed it.

Conflict between career & life: I think many in this community can identify with Miranda.  She wants the great career but she also has other things going on in her life.  Always being forced to choose work causes friction at home.   She also wants to be respected at work for her abilities and she is not.  Finally, she loves working and she loves her child and she is judged harshly for wanting both.  Haven’t many of us been there?  I know I have.

The Wayback Machine: How about those 80′s flashbacks.  Oh my goodness, so funny.  Those were not really over the top.  I dressed that way, had similar hair and know so many who did as well.  While being back in the 80′s makes you cringe a little…it also made me smile.

DINKs (Double Income No Kids): As for Carrie.  There was a time when I was positive it was just going to be my husband and me.  We talked about it, we didn’t think kids were for us, we were constantly defending that choice and again being judged for it.  During that time we also made good money and had lots of disposable income.  I may have obssessed over a couch and the fabric for it for a good year plus.  It’s true.  I can identify.

Motherhood is hard: On to Charlotte.  I don’t hide in the closet and cry about motherhood.  But I’ve had my bad days…and I’ll cry right in front of you.  No guilt here.  Motherhood is hard.  I admit that freely and often have conversations with other moms who like Charlotte need a little prompting to have an honest conversation on the topic.  I am also lucky enough to have full-time childcare and I relish it.  And I have actually told my husband in the past, “Don’t make me choose between you and the nanny, you will lose.”  We were joking about something at the time…I can’t remember what, but there was also the ring of truth to the statement.  Many of my friends have said same.

Aging: I identify much less with Samantha.  Although I’m pretty sure I’ve hit peri-menopause and I’m not enjoying its effects so her portrayal of menopause is something that is clearly on my mind.

Culture clash: I’m still not sure how I feel about all the brouhaha over the ladies in the Middle East.  Yes, it was very stereotypical American bad behavior.  But I think most of us watching know that.  I also think if we are to be honest with ourselves we may have acted (at least initially) similar.  I have never been to a Muslim-dominated country where coverings are worn.  I’m sure I would be agape at sights I would see.  And I’m one of those American travelers who prides myself in learning a bit of the language first, brushing up on customs and having conversations in foreign countries with everyday citizens while staying away from the American hotel chains.  But I’m sure I would still be ill-behaved and offensive in some way…without meaning to.  And when I was back home and alone with my friends I’m sure I would talk about how “backward” it seemed to me…because that’s how it feels to me…honesty, here.  I wish I could find a middle eastern woman’s point of view on this movie.  I tried but could not – only men’s voices.  Which I do think says something about the culture.

There are other similarities like the fact that I live in Massachusetts and I have gay friends and some of them are married.  While the wedding scene was over-the-top it was funny!  And it had a ring of truth to it.  And I think that’s what I liked about this movie.  It was over-the-top to the point of unrealistic for most of us but with a ring of truth.  And it was great escapist fun.  And I thank the producers as I needed that!

I’m not one to relish routine.  You’ve heard me rail against the 9 to 5, M-F schedule again and again.  Mostly because I think rules for rules sake are silly, especially those put in place a century ago with no thought to how life has evolved since then.  BUT…. I’ve had 2 weeks of non-routine and I’ve got to tell you I found that exhausting.

I’m lucky, I can have 2 weeks of non-routine as can my husband and still work and pay the bills.  So when tragedy struck followed by great joy (a wedding) we were able to be there for all of it.

Today I’m back in my own home, sleeping in my own bed.  I’ve sent my little one off to school and I’m working in a quiet house and it’s nice.   I’m catching up and reading about workplaces and workforces and how to diversify your career like you would your portfolio. And I’m relishing it all.

So maybe I am a schedule kind of gal…albeit one that is still flexible and moves as I need it to and that fortunately can become a non-schedule anytime.  I just hope I won’t need to do that again anytime soon…I’m not cut out for it regularly.