A hybrid life

Apparently I am suspiciously well balanced and lack an identity according to a quiz I took recently about whether my life was happy or interesting.  And the verdict.  It is neither.  It is somewhere in the no man’s land in between.  Now I do not put much stock in these kinds of tests.  They are often too generic to give any real meaning to people…they just give people angst.  And so I wouldn’t be thinking much about this, except that the angst already exists.  And honestly this verdict feels absolutely correct to me.

You see I was brought up in an age where it was understood you would work.  No matter your gender…you worked.  And it was wonderful to know that.  I went to college, I started a career, I got a Master’s degree, my career flourished, I was interesting and often happy.  But there were also those conversations that I was having with my girlfriends.  We talked about how you can’t have it all.  How we didn’t want to be go-go career women at the expense of time with our children.  How we would make different choices than the generation of Hilary Clinton.  We would be hybrids.  Career women with children who understand something has to give.

And in theory it sounds great, doesn’t it?  We get to fly high in careers, then we get to take a step back and embrace our children.

The problem lies in the reality.  And the crash landing from a-type, goal setting to playing Candyland.

And maybe this is just simply a case of timing.  You see the Olympics are on.  And probably the most interesting career move I ever made was to produce Opening & Closing ceremonies for the 2002 winter games for TV.  It was a challenging and very frustrating gig but man it sure was interesting.  And it followed other interesting gigs like working on Red Sox games for TV, being on the field at Fenway Park when Ted Williams came out during the ’99 All Star Game,  being a gatekeeper at the Sundance Film Festival for press pass seekers.  All super interesting, some even made me happy, others did not.

Then after all these highly interesting gigs…I took a breath and went for a trip with my husband…around the world.  Yep we took a year off, traveled the world together and we were happy and interesting.

We came home.  We settled down.  We had a baby.  And we began living the traditional American Dream.  And a few years later I’m not sure who I am anymore.  Yes I have extremely happy moments like sledding with my little one the other day in the middle of the day.  Or watching her mind work as she figures out puzzles,  or dancing in the living room with her with all my might.  And I have very interesting moments – like starting my own business and debuting it at a conference.  Like being asked to share my expertise with really smart people.   But honestly these come in fits and starts.  On a regular basis I’m not sure I’m either happy or interesting.

Because you see I’m also not a fan of getting on the floor to play cars and trucks endlessly.  And because in order to attain this hybrid life – I needed to strike out on my own and leave the corporate workforce.  So I work alone…a lot…with no companionship or collaboration.  And I’m not really sure how to think of who I am – a mom who once was a career girl who is now over-qualified for any position I may apply for, which apparently is a bad thing.

Recently I read this article about men adjusting to women being the breadwinners.  And I’ve seen many articles about whether women are happy or not.  But this is not about my gender.  This is about working and parenting and doing what is right for your family.  And I think Penelope Trunk’s original article and quiz summed it up best for me.  I have achieved a hybrid life…it’s just neither very interesting or overly happy.

Today is one of those days when I don’t have all the answers.  I have my truth and my journey.  And I’m working on it…