Working and Mothering…No Apologies
May 23rd, 2009 | by Leanne
Last month I was at a networking event, a “tweetup” for all you twits, and I met a fun, energetic woman. As we were talking it became clear to me that she was apologizing…for working and being a mother. I stopped her mid-sentence and explained to her that there is no need to apologize, that it is perfectly okay to work and be a mom, that I have a whole contingent of friends who feel the same as her. We are thrilled that we work. We are also thrilled that we are mothers. And we do both extremely well part-time.
I remembered this conversation last week when in Las Vegas on work and play. I was having a great time. I had a girls weekend in Las Vegas, then went to the Kennedy Info Recruiting Conference and spent some time with really fun, interesting people…who are very smart. But I sort of felt like I was cheating on someone…my daughter. The feeling was not self-imposed.
It was society-imposed. “Do you miss your little one?” The truth of the matter is, I didn’t. Go ahead…I am an awful mother, how can you not miss your daughter, why did you even bother to have a child…I’ve heard it before and it won’t work on me.
This trip was carefully planned and thought out. It took some arm twisting and eye-opening efforts on my part to get my husband to understand that this was as important to me as his career is to him. (He makes the big bucks…so of course his career should be more important, right? No fair!)
I knew how much time I had away from my little one and I had set up a great weekend of fun for her, followed by some normalcy at home with grandmothers and my husband and our amazing nanny to take up all the mommy slack. On the last night of my time away, I was still having a wonderful time. I knew I would see her the next day and I had no desire to get home any faster than planned. I mean c’mon the number of nights away from her since birth is a grand total of 15…in 3 years! Why is it not okay for me to admit that I’m having a great vacation and making some really great business contacts and while she enters my mind at times, and I’m certainly checking in on her…I do not wish to be anywhere but where I am?
We’re home now and my husband is out with her on a playdate…it’s a wonderful thing. I don’t miss her this afternoon…in fact I hope she’s having a great time without me…not because I’m a bad mother, but because it should be normal for her to have adventures without me and for me to have them without her. And for neither of us to feel badly about it. I do not apologize and am happy to give up my “mother of the year” award in exchange for this honesty. I work, I’m a mom, I enjoy having the flexibility to do both – if only society would get on board with that…
4 Comments
Well said! This whole notion that “mother of the year” has the same definition for all mothers is ridiculous, not to mention undermining and, at root, anti-feminist. A woman with a career that nurtures, satisfies and rewards her and a group of friends to feed her mind and spirt is far more likely, in my opinion, to be a wonderful mother than a woman who has nothing in her life but her own children. And feelings of guilt are simply misplaced. I write about this often; here’s a link to one relevant post, in case you’re interested: http://bit.ly/16LhGr
Glad you had a great trip!
“A woman with a career that nurtures, satisfies and rewards her…is far more likely to be a wonderful mother than a woman who has nothing in her life but her own children.” And I’m sure you will agree that a man who has a career is more likely to be a wonderful father than a man who has nothing but his own children? Right? So you would oppose stay at home fathers of course.
I don’t oppose stay-at-home mother or fathers. I believe all parents should make their own choices based on what they feel is best for their families. I also believe that people – mothers or fathers – who have nothing in their lives but their children are likely to be over-focused on those children to the detriment of both the children and the parents. The stay-at-home moms and dads I’ve known have always had something else to add perspective and interest to their lives, whether in the form of home businesses, school board participation, groups of friends, team sports or other hobbies and activities. As a result, they were better parents.
I personally don’t believe it’s necessary to stay at home to be a good parent, but I wouldn’t dream of “opposing” any one else’s choice. Their choices are their business, not mine – just as my choices are my business and no one else’s.
[...] makes sense for he and his wife and their family. The fact that there are blogs, and articles and comments on other blogs about stay-at-home dads tells me that is absolutely a solution people are turning [...]